Drinko De Mayo: Rise of the Panther
5/4/2012, Oakland Metro
No one brought their f’n kids
Drinko de Mayo: Rise of the Panther – a show named thusly due to the Panther’s fiendish scheming garnishing him possession of the Golden Gig, and because Johnny Drinko asked about the first part. As is custom, the show started a little after 9:00 with Ike Burner climbing the ladder, and “Urethra Franklin” rocked the audience with the custom Hoodslam theme. The commentary team consisted of Juggalo Championship Wresting’s Senior Official OG Kevin Gill and star of the This is RAW youtube sensation, Tough Enough’s AJ Kirsch. El Sparko was our sole iron man referee for the evening, and with el Official Senor Official in place, the show as ready to go!
Our first match saw a returning Johnny Cage take on the debuting Kay Jutler. Johnny Cage has been fickle with his relationship with the fans, but Kay Jutler’s decidedly negative stance towards Oakland made him the clear favorite. The defender of Earth Realm performed all the hits, including his signature split punch. Kay Jutler, to his credit, fought valiantly, with a fervor that could only be learnt in his native United Kingdom. However, this west coast tour would prove a poor time to reinvade the colonies, and Johnny Cage was able to attain victory.
– Johnny Cage defeated Kay Jutler
Johnny Drinko Butabi would be the next Hoodslammer to hit the stage, and he had many things to say. I don’t remember them well, such is the folly of Hoodslam. The catalyst of events, though, I recall having to do with Anthony Butabi, Johnny’s estranged brother. Anthony, along with Rasta Mysterio and Super Tiger, were able to defeat Guile for the Golden Gig at the last event in a 3 vs 1 match. Johnny, wanting both the Golden Gig and revenge on his brother, called out the Panther Posse, and after an exchange of words, the brothers would once more fight at Hoodslam, this time with the Gig on the line! As usual, no ring can contain the sibling animosity that these two share. And of course, the dreaded Doritos were once more used as a deadly weapon. Johnny Drinko had his brother incapacitated enough to land a killing blow atop the cheesy snacks, but it was not meant to be. Sagat of the CAPCOM Coalition distracted the referee as Zangief devastated Drinko with a debilitating piledriver onto the flaming hot Doritos of doom, allowing Anthony Butabi to once again defeat his brother under questionable circumstances.
– Anthony Butabi successfully defended the Golden Gig by defeating Johnny Drinko Butabi
Post match, Zangief and Sagat continued to beatdown the outnumbered alcoholic, and Sagat informed the Oakland Metro via electronic microphone that this ass whooping was set in stone the moment Cammey said she had interloped with Drinko. This was the original rift that splintered Mega Man from the Coalition. The Blue Bomber himself would make his presence felt, as he interrupted the narrated hate crime (Drinko is a minority, right?) and fought off the evil Thailand and Russian forces. The two Hoodslammers had never met, but the mutual respect was there and both celebrated to the adoration of the wild bunch of folks who bought tickets or snuck in.
After the action, 40 Radio and Hoodslam were happy to present to the crowd the rapping expertise of Little Larry, ACL, and SkreAllah. The enthused crowd enjoyed the few songs from the trio, and 40 Radio was on the hand through the entire event with cameras to document the madness that happens the First Friday of every Month! We thank everyone for coming, and recommend everyone interested to check out the facebooks of 40 Radio, Little Larry, ACL, and SkreAllah to find more information on these talented artists.
What happened next was a true first for Hoodslam. DARK Sheik made his way to the ring, and informed the crowd that they were about to be witness to a great thing: the Trial of Juiced Lee. He informed the intoxicated spectators that Juiced Lee would not be at the show that evening, due to being incarcerated for the charges of murdering Vinny Butabi. Juiced had defeated the zombie in a battle to the death at the last event, and DARK Sheik had him arrested for doing the company the favor. DARK Sheik would go on to introduce the prosecution, his longtime lawyer and Hoodslam ancillary character Gordy Bombstein. He would then go onto to state that Juiced Lee, due to his incarceration and injury, was unable to secure a defense attorney. DARK Sheik would pick a defense attorney for him, former Gotham City DA Harvey Dent. The crowd awed at the mention of his name, and the familiar faces of the comic book villain were quite a site for the Hoodslam faithful. Once the honorary Judge Dredd had taken his place, the trial was underway.
Gordy Bombstein would state that Juiced Lee was specifically being charged with the original murder of Vinny Butabi in April 2010, the ensuing Zombie outbreak that persisted through the year and claimed more lives, the murder of Reverend Helfyre in August 2011, and the re-murder of Zombie Vinny Butabi in April 2012 (Uno from the Lost Hoodslam was not mentioned). Harvey Dent would object, saying that the second murder of Vinny Butabi was impossible, as he was already dead. He would then proclaim the innocence of his client. Then abruptly deny it. Then argue with himself about it before asking the Judge for a brief pause so that he could speak with his counsel. As the confusion ran rampant, a new comer entered through the Hoodslam stage. She Hulk, long educated in law before the blood transfusion that changed her forever, entered the fray and decreed that Harvey Dent was of no condition to represent Juiced Lee. She would challenge both faces to a fight, and the winner would earn the right to defend the silent warrior in trial!
Harvey Dent is cunning, moral, smart, evil, and everything on the other side of that too. But one thing he ain’t, is super humanly strong. Unfortunately for him, his opponent this evening was. She Hulk was able to use her impressive strength to make short work of the dark nights old friend, and make a huge leap in credibility for the defense of Juiced Lee!
– She Hulk defeated Harvey Dent for the right to defend Juiced Lee in Trial
This did not please the Sheik, and after She Hulk had made her exit, he stated that it mattered not who represented Juiced Lee, and when the trial was over he would be gone forever. Mid tirade, he was interrupted by his scheduled opponent, another Midway favorite, SCORPION!
Scorpion and DARK Sheik, first fighting in the main event of the April show, were clearly no strangers to each other. Both also seem to feed off of an undead energy that sustains their corpses. The unholy battle was epic, but short lived. DARK Sheik made liberal use of his kicking capabilities and high flying recklessness, while Scorpion kicked away as well, while keeping the DARK Sheik reeling with combination attacks of Spears and Teleporting punches. When it looked like SCORPION might have been ready to finish the DARK Sheik off, Johnny Cage once again made his way to the ring. He did little, but it was clear that he had the attention of SCORPION. This brief lapse of attention was all DARK Sheik needed to quickly gain a cheap win, and the momentarily distracted SCORPION was left unhurt, but beaten in battle. One would assume that this feud has only just begun…………..!….
– DARK Sheik defeated SCORPION
After all the heaviness of the Trial and dead people fighting, it was time to lighten the mood. Hoodslam had a special presentation for everybody, and a special person to do it. Shelly Martinez, formerly Ariel in WWE, and recognizable wrestler celebrity person from TNA, PWG, Dragongate, and other places where fine wrestling is sold. And in the other corner, the master of the battle royal, in high school he was voted most likely to be thinnest, the dancing machine Sexy Chino! But these two didn’t wanna fight. They wanted a dance off.
How do I write about a dance off? They danced. It was cool. Ike Burner got rubbed up on. Sexy Chino amazed the crowd with his limited but delightful arsenal of disco infused technique. But not all were please. Lucha Magnifico, who hasn’t been seen a lot lately, was scheduled to face Sexy Chino in combat this night, and had grown tired of waiting while his opponent focused on dancing. His entry soon stimulated the violent impulses, and a three way match was birthed before our very eyes. Mucha lucha libre style offense from Magnifico counter acted the power house mayhem that is Sexy Chino, which integrated with the sexy stylistics of Shelly Martinez, making for a damn good wrestling stew. Just as it seemed Lucha had the match won, Sexy Chino was able to surprise him with a rollup pinning maneuver, and earn himself his first Hoodslam victory. The rarity of Chino winning with a roll up is truly the solar eclipse of CA indy work.
– Sexy Chino defeated Lucha Magnifico and Shelly Martinez
Post match, as Lucha pondered his short comings, DARK Sheik made a very unwelcome return to the stage. He recapped that Lucha Magnifico had made the deal to bring Sheik back to life the second time over a year ago, and in that year he had made no attempt to interact with Lucha, his former student. He stated that this was because of incidents like tonight, where Lucha lost to opponents DARK Sheik found lacking. He waited a whole year, and now faced with the man responsible for his resurrection, his only other words for Lucha Magnifico was that he was an embarrassment. DARK Sheik left the angry crowd, and let the cruel words simmer on the metaphorical grill that is Lucha’s soul.
The ring cleared, but as always, it was only momentarily void of chaos. Johnny Drinko and Mega Man would return to the ring, and Drinko had a message: not only did he not care about Cammey, he doesn’t even recount their interaction (as is customary with Drinko). But if CAPCOM wanted to fight over some girl he deemed a slut, he was only willing to oblige, and he had a partner with him too. Zangief and Sagat agreed, and the tag team action was on and poppin’. Mega Man and Drinko made a surprisingly good team, almost as if the two knew each others moves. Sagat and Zangief brought their legendary offense straight from 2D into the third dimension (and beyond). The end saw Mega Man overcome his former allies, and he hit a big boot before he dropped his patented Mega Atomic Legdrop for the win.
– Mega Man and Johnny Drinko Butabi defeated Sagat and Zangief
Once again the duo would be seen celebrating post match to the thrill of drunken fans. As Drinko soaked in their cheers through osmosis, much like his skin has grown to with alcohol particles in the air, Mega Man began to charge his light gun. He began to shake and sputter with great intensity, one might claim to have seen him pop a bolt or two. When Drinko finally turned, Mega Man laid him out with a mega charged shot for the ages. As he stood over his fallen partner, a look of great pain was etched across his robotic face. One must assume that his feelings for Cammey, although not reciprocated, were still strong. And knowing that Drinko succeeded where he had failed, and then neither remembered or appreciated it, was too much for his robotic circuits to handle. Once again, the man from 20XX was in great inner turmoil.
And finally, a main event for the ages…
The Stoner Brothers. Two twins. Very alike, but very different. One has broken his allegiance to the other, putting the Golden Gig above even his own blood. The other, at first unwilling to fight, now has accepted to battle his own image. But before the two could do battle one on one, a stipulation had to be chosen. And before a stipulation could be chosen, one had to be awarded the right to choose the stipulation. So the brothers, both considering themselves to be the better half of their former team, came to a conclusion: the two would enter the ring, and 8 random Hoodslammers would enter as well. The two would then choose teams, schoolyard style, interjectionally. The match would be elimination rules, and whoever’s team could eliminate the others would be declared the winner. To recall and recount the action that happened here would take 100 chimps and 100 type writers. Highlights included Drugz Bunny, doing coke. Chupacabra, acting animalistic. Otis the Gimp, tried to fuck everything. Hornswaggar, brought his friend Butternuts with him and rapped a possibly racist diddy. James, see, completely took over the show at one point and had the crowd cheering “myah, see”, see. Pooh Jack entered and kicked ass. Someone kicked his ass. Stoney Montana got in Brittany Wonder’s face. Brittany Wonder used her female intuition to surprise and pin him. And Super Red Rhino 2099 is from the future. And he misses Villano, who now has left the cyborg who was built to protect him alone and without direction for 6 months. All of this mayhem combined into a Rick Scott Stoner v. Scott Rick Stoner buffet of pain. Towards the end, Scott Rick Stoner, who’s antagonized his brother for the better part of a year, decided to walk away from the battle. After trying to get his brother to fight him for so long, he now chooses to play mind games and avoid confrontation until June’s event. Assuming the overwhelming odds of his remaining team would be enough to defeat the Blunt faced Gremlin Rick Scott, he had himself counted out of the ring. But Rick Scott ain’t no chump, and was able to fight back and score the final pinfall, making him the sole survivor! It also makes him the decider, and in June when Stoner faces Stoner one on one, it is Rick Scott who will pick the type of match!
– Rick Scott Stoner/Super Red Rhino 2099/Brittany Wonder/Drugs Bunny and Otis the Gimp defeated Scott Rick Stoner/James/Stoney Montana/El Chupacabra and Hornswaggar
Hoodslam once again would like to thank the fans, our staff, the Metro, rabies, and John McClain for making our show possible. Without you, nobody would see us, help us, give us a venue, live in raccoons, or protect the world so we can entertain it. You complete us. You and drugs. We hope that you enjoyed yourselves and can make it JUNE 1ST to the Oakland Metro, and please remember to not bring your f’n kids. God bless!
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