June 1st, 2012
630 3rd St
The show was not our biggest attended, but those there were truly the Hoodslam hardcore, and kept the energy HIGH the entire night! How high? In the words of E-40, “higher than giraffe koochie”. Gross.
Ike Emelio Burner warmed the crowd up with his velvet voice as the Hoodslam Band “Molestor Stallone” chilled them with their icy awesome rock. He introduced to half of our commentary team, the JuggalOG Kevin Gill, but before he could complete the duo, he was interrupted by some shitty white boy rock (I think it’s called “Affliction”?). This would be our impromptu introduction to “Broseph” Joe Brody, a newcomer to the Hoodslam event. He cut a promo, (correction – “bromo”) informing the crowd that his fratboy lifestyle and tap out shorts surpassed all others. Not wanting to wait for our introductions to even finish, he continued to orally “brow the minds” of all in attendance and send a challenge to the Hoodslam roster! As is tradition in wrestling, music and pyro was already cued, and the challenge was efficiently answered…
Coldbeer defeated “Broseph” Joe Brody
…and it was answered in a huge way. The returning Coldbeer was a runaway train of rage and Newcastle. Broseph was athletic and impressive. The train won. SPEAR. JACKHAMMER. The end.
Ike Burner and Kevin Gill were finally able to continue their introductions, and after bringing out Tough Enough’s “Tumbleweed” A.J. Kirsch to fill out the commentary table, we were on our way with the JUNE TO REMEMBER!
The James Gang were the next performers to make their way to the ring, again unexpected. James, hated by the crowd for his relentless shit talking, was quick to get on the microphone and proclaim the glory of his gang. The 1920′s gangster, along with Stoney Montana and Drugs Bunny, traded insults with the crowd until THEY TOO were interrupted by the upbeat dance tempo and questionable dance moves of Sexy Chino! He and his thus far unnamed sexy dance partner cut the proverbial rug, thoroughly serving the James Gang. The James Gang, not known for parking on any dance floor, quickly responded with Drugs Bunny doing his jittery, coked out version of dancing. The two went back and forth, eventually leading to Drugs Bunny hitting Chino with a sneak clothesline, and the battle changed from dance to grapple. Drugs Bunny retained control for match of the athletic contest, in his own hyper active kind of way. Chino did retaliate though, and introduced the crowd to some aerial offense that was as much breath taking as it was unexpected from the toothpick thin professional wrestler. The numbers of the James Gang proved too much, however, and Sexy Chino found himself victim to the “Coke-slam”.
Drugs Bunny defeated Sexy Chino
The next match was a tag team bout that we had actually announced! Go figure! It went nothing like planned. DARK Sheik and Johnny Cage, who had gained the ire of Scorpion at May 4ths Drinko De Mayo event, were set to take on the Outer realm warrior in a tag match. Scorpion would choose a mystery partner for this epic confrontation. But DARK Sheik, as Johnny Cage would explain to the crowd, was busy with the Trial of Juiced Lee. Johnny Cage would turn to the partner he defeated CAPCOM with at March’s Hoodslam XIX, Tekken’s Eddie Gordo! Scorpion would then silently introduce us to his partner, the returning E. Honda! E. Honda had not been seen in Hoodslam since December’s Street Fighter Tournament when he lost to RYU in the finals, but the fans had not forgotten about him in the 6 months since! These four video game warriors waged in epic battle! In the end, Johnny Cage would leave Eddie Gordo to fight for himself, leaving him prone to a combination Scorpion Spear + Torpedo Headbutt! That’s the finish folks.
E. Honda and Scorpion defeated Eddie Gordo and Johnny Cage
Up next was a special Gauntlet match with the winner getting a shot at the Golden Gig at July’s event. The rules were stolen from Fresno, CA’s Piledriver Pro Wrestling’s Elimination X concept. Two participants would start, and more entrants would be added to the match at random times. Every participant would have to be pinned or submit to be eliminated. The first entrant, one of the most hated men in Hoodslam: James. Without Chino to interrupt him this time he was able to fully berate the Oakland crowd (prompting a hockey style chant of “shut the fuck up, myahh see”). The next entrant, one of the most popular Hoodslammer’s, Johnny Drinko Butabi. After enthralling the crowd with his signature dance moves, he also shared some words with Oakland. They were slurred, and it was here that most of us realized how drunk Drinko had gotten this evening. He informed the crowd that despite Mega Man turning on him last night, he would not be deterred from his goal, the Golden Gig. In his words, Mega Man was just another guy upset about a slut he had fucked (referring to Mega Man’s crush on Cammey), and he didn’t even remember doing it. The match got underway, and mayhem commenced. Entrants included Rediculoso, Stoney Montana, Brittany Wonder, Super Red Rhino 2099, and surprisingly, Anthony Butabi. He stated that as part of the Panther Party, who as a group are the Golden Gig Champion, he was already dominant, and was entered to maintain superiority. Drinko would eliminate him 3 seconds later. Many other eliminations occurred, and in the end James defeated Red Rhino 2099 to win the event.
James won a Gauntlet to earn a match for the Golden Gig on July 6th at the Oakland Metro
After the match, James would again berate the crowd, and eventually turn his attention to Super Red Rhino 2099. He mocked his old leader Villano 420, and spoke of his dismantling of the Villano Crime Family. He said he was able to do this, because he was a boss. Rhino, according to James, would never be a boss. But he would be a good follower, and James extended an invitation to Rhino to join the James Gang. His response was to hit Stoney Montana with his patented Gore tackle! The James Gang would attack him with their greater numbers, and quickly turn the tide. The three attacked him like wrestlers attacking a Reno buffet, and it looked like it might be curtains for the cybernetic warrior. Unexpectedly, this was the cue for Pooh Jack! There was a bear, he had a bandana, and he was wearing the new pooh jack shirt. He throw a trashcan of weapons in the ring, and then hit people with the weapons, and the weapons broke and stuff. And even though people put pooh jack over, he typically potatoes them with keyboards and stuff. What a jerk. But he did heroically save Super Red Rhino 2099 from the Gang’s attack, and the fans threw babies in the air out of excitement! As he threw fuzzy X’s in the air, the crowd threw them back, and Rhino picked his moment. And then he rushed his moment, and gave Pooh Jack the WWE Day of Reckoning for Gamecube gore against the ropes. Doesn’t look good in the game either. Rhino stood tall over the fallen fan favorite of a fuzzy bear, and later when no one was looking the match was signed for July 6th, Red Rhino v. Pooh Jack!
The Stoner brothers would come out next, ready to challenge each other in Three Stages of Stoner. Rik Scott Stoner chose this trismokathon of events to do battle with his brother Scott Rik; he won the right to choose at the last event in an epic 10 man schoolyard rules tag team elimination match. The two have been involved in numerous skirmishes with each other since January, but this would be the first time the brothers would face each other in solo combat, and Rik Scott wanted to make sure there was no confusion to the victor. The first event, an arm wrestling contest. The two, unsurprisingly matched quite evenly, jockeyed for leverage and position, trying to gain the minutest of advantage against their twin adversary. The deciding factor was Scott Rik’s attempt to burn his brother with the blunt he was smoking. Rik Scott was able to counter, though, and drove the burning embers deeply into the flesh of his twin. This gave him the momentary advantage to claim victory, and take the first round of the Three Stages of Stoner, to be concluded later in the evening.
Rik Scott beat Scott Rik Stoner in an Arm Wrestling Match
Afterwards, the dust settled, and an epic battle waged on a different front took the center stage. The TRIAL OF JUICED LEE began it’s second installment. The honorable Judge Dredd presided over the hearings, and She-Hulk (with help from Wonder Woman for no apparent reason), defended the rights of Juiced Lee. DARK Sheik, with his lawyer Gordy Bombstein, would resume the position of prosecution. The prosecutions beef with Juiced? Murders of Vinny Butabi, resulting in the zombie outbreak that originally killed Sheik Khan Abadi (the first incarnation of DARK Sheik), murder of Reverend Helfyre, and the general notion that Juiced Lee is a dangerous person who does not belong around people. The defense’s…defense? That Juiced Lee acted within reason, that Vinny was already dead the second time, and that Helfyre was the one responsible for the zombies. The judge was familiar with their pleas, but now was a time to hear new voices, those of witnesses!
DARK Sheik was quick to introduce Zangief and Blanka from TEAM Capcom. Juiced Lee, who was handcuffed to the ring, watched his bitter enemies recount the first FTF event on 10/10/10. Zangief, speaking for the grief stricken SAGAT who could not attend due to emotional stress, informed the judge of Juiced Lee removing the good eye from Sagat’s head, and crushing it in his palm to the adoration of 100 or so drunk kids at the Victory Warehouse. She-Hulk, being the expert lawyer she is, countered with the witnesses of Kassy Summers and Lucha Magnifico! Both had been involved in altercations with Juiced Lee during April’s 2011′s I know What you Did Last Hoodslam and May 2011′s H2 Countdown to Botchageddon. During those fights, Juiced Lee had opportunities to kill both, but chose to kill neither. This, She Hulk would state, proved the compassion of Juiced Lee, and was evidence that he was not a dangerous killing machine.
DARK Sheik would not wait for any judges word, however, refuting the testimony of Lucha Magnifico. He recalled last month, at the June to Remember, when he told Lucha that he was an embarrassment as a student. He told the judge his testimony should be stricken from the record, as it came from a vindictive place, just to get back at Sheik, and not out of concern for Juiced Lee. But then the idea was brought up that ACTIONS speak louder than words, and whoever’s actions truly were fueled by truth and conviction would surely reign supreme. A tag match was made, and our ring that became a courtroom once more became a ring.
Kassy Summers, She Hulk, and Lucha Magnifico defeated DARK Sheik, Blanka, and Zangief
This match was madness! The power of She Hulk would not be denied. The electric fury of Blanka could not be controlled. The fighting spirits of both Kassy Summers AND Zangief burned holes in the ozone. And the hate between DARK Sheik and Lucha Magnifico was PALPABLE! Truly, the teacher-student scenario has gone beyond any sense of loyalty or brotherhood, as the fought tooth and nail. It seemed that DARK Sheik had Lucha in the claws of defeat, but then it looked like She Hulk had Sheik defeated. But then it looked like Blanka would make the save. but then Blanka seemed to fancy the fellow green fighter, putting She Hulk in an awkward position. But then Zangief got ahold of She Hulk, but then Kassy came back and got Blanka. Then Sheik kicked Kassy in the face and it looked like HE would win again. Then Lucha pinned him. It was crazy.
And, just to break kayfabe and the fourth wall, Shelly Martinez as Wonder Woman may be the greatest thing ever. WORDS DO NO JUSTICE. MEMORY DOES NO JUSTICE. The footage will be amazing, but, much like the sunset, this thing of beauty MUST BE SEEN in person to truly gain total appreciation! If I were dirty, i’d put a masturbation joke here.
Next up, newcomer Joe De Soul took on Mega Man! Some might have recognized him as a referee from earlier Hoodslam’s, but fabe that. Not important. Mega Man, ever since finding out Cammey wouldn’t date him because she was already involved with Drinko, has gained a bit of a mean streak. Of course he’s attacked his former CAPCOM Team mates, and twice now assaulted Johnny Drinko. His treatment of Joe De Soul was not much better. He pounded the poor guy for some time. Joe De Soul is no slouch, but he’s fighting a robot from the future with an arm cannon. The odds just aren’t good. BUT by some twist of fate, Johnny Drinko got involved, and cost Mega Man the match! It was like watching Rudy, but without the hour plus of story and build up beforehand.
Joe De Soul beat Mega Man
Post match, as Drinko now stood over the fallen Mega Man, he looked into the very familiar face from the future and issued a challenge. One on One, mano a mega mano, DRINKO V. MEGA MAN at July’s event! Not just any match, not a retirement match, but a full fledged END OF AN ERA match! What’s that mean? Nobodies really retiring, but SOMEBODY IS GOING ON VACATION.
The next match was for the Golden Gig! The Pink Panther party, since claiming the Gig in April, have played fast and loose with the rules, using their numbers game to keep the championship! Otis the Gimp and Chupacabra and Hornswaggar had seen enough, and made this six man challenge for the gold! Before we could start the fight, Panther had a curve ball for them. The accepted team has been Anthony Butabi, Rasta Mystero, and Super Tiger. TONIGHT, however, Panther would reintroduce us to a man not seen since January in Oakland, CA. A true representative of the under appreciated in Hoodslam, and thus a perfect candidate for the Panther Party (so says the Panther), GRAND MASTER G of No Ma’am! Yes, his father Sal Lundy had said he was ready to go home and sell shoes, but the fire still burned within the rapping son. Now that we knew the teams, all that was left was the fight itself.
And what a fight it was. Truly, no ring can contain this much man muscle. Rasta and Otis soon found themselves fighting throughout the whole arena. Grand Master G would do his best to ward off attacks from Chupacabra and Hornswaggar, but the drunkeness of Anthony Butabi would only work against him. It seemed as if Chupy and Hornswaggar would claim the Golden Gig for their team, but something…strange…went down. As Otis and Rasta returned to the ring, Otis somehow became enamoured with Butternuts, the trusty stuffed steed of Hornswaggar. Hornswaggar was not pleased with the advances of Otis, and threatened to turn El Chupacabra loose on Otis’ favorite inflatable fuck sheep, Dolly. As these ego’s and desires collided, a horse got humped, a sheep got bitten into (AND POPPED), and the Pink Panther Party was able to capitalize and sneak away with a win, and once more take home the Golden Gig!
Rasta Mysterio, Anthony Butabi, and Grand Master G defeated Hornswaggar, El Chupacabra, and Otis the Gimp to retain the Golden Gig
Next was the second of the Three Stages of Stoner; a debate. Scott Rik and Rik Scott Stoner, twin siblings in a bitter feud, came to the ring once more and chose topics for the other to discuss. First, Rik Scott chose for his brother, and the topic was 1994 toyota celicas. Why? Because apparently in 1994 Scott Rik stole Rik Scott’s Celica. Scott Rik would go on to do math equations and fractions about girls that had become women in the back of the Celica, but never once explained how any of this happened when they were twelve. Afterwards, Scott Rik chose Rik Scott’s topic: Business Ethics. This prompted quite a bit of excitement from the crowd, and what might be the first ever “business ethics” chant, not just in wresting, but in the world.
Rik Scott stuttered and stammered, but in the end decided to pull out a bright yellow toy gun and point it at his brother (fans literally jumped out of the way). He said the topic was unfair, and that this debate was over. The third stage of Stoner would begin NOW, and it was an Ironlung Match!
Scott Rik defeated Rik Scott in a debate
The first ever Ironlung Match was underway in HOODSLAM! The rules were simple: entrants would wrestle, when one is able to stun his opponent for long enough he will signal to the official to spark the official blunt. When their opponent regains his wits and can rise to his feet, the official will take the blunt and put it out. Whoever is able to finish the blunt (at the official’s discretion) will be declared the winner.
These two Smokelahoma natives were no strangers to each other, clearly having spent their entire lives training in the ways of combat! Snug shots, stiff strikes, and ground shaking slams echoed through the Oakland Metro. Their was legitimate fear that these two might tear the whole building down on the heads of the faithful viewers. An epic battle, truly those watching could FEEL the twists and turns and PAIN that these two journeyed through to the end. And what an end it was. One to be remembered forever. That I will not detail now. Scott Rik Stoner was the last man to hit the blunt when El Sparko rang the bell. Rik Scott Stoner was clearly disappointed at his loss, but seemed to give a respectful nod to his brother before leaving. This war is over, but what lies next for Hoodslam now that these two start beating up the rest of the roster instead of each other?
This was an amazing event, and we thank the fans for coming to this event, we know that we truly had the faithful with us, and we appreciate you every second every day. Really.
Thanks to AJ Kirsch and OG Kevin Gill for holding it down, The Hoodslam band Molestor Stallone for tearing it up, Ike Emelio Burner for keeping it real, and all the rest of our staff for doing such a great job. The Oakland Metro, as always, is our home and family, and the Hoodslam roster is happy to include Dispayed Labors Sideshow and now Shelly and Danelle Martinez as part of that family too! We all lead such great lives.