This Friday, Hoodslam goes to the bros!

This Friday, bro…if you’re not at the Oakland Metro Operahouse to witness Hoodslam‘s biggest show of the fall, to witness history in the making, to witness BROetry in motion, you’ll be doomed to a lifetime of rancid pussy and burning urination.

Hoodslam: FTF V – BROetic Justice. Friday, October 3. #FTFV #BROeticJustice

Your BROliness,

Broseph Joe Brody

This Friday, Hoodslam goes to the bros!

Hoodslam: FTF V – BROetic Justice • Friday, October 3 • Oakland Metro Operahouse (630 Third Street in Oakland, CA) • Doors at 8:30pm, show at 9:00pm • $10 at the door • Full bar • Live music from the The Hoodslam Band • DON’T BRING YOUR FUCKING KIDS!

BREAKING NEWS: Broseph Joe Brody’s Penis Signs WWE Developmental Deal

The penis of Hoodslam star and reality TV personality Broseph Joe Brody (AJ Kirsch) has been signed to a WWE Devolopmental contract this week. Stemming from it’s recent appearance on VH1’s “Dating Naked,” the Bro’s wiener is a hot commodity, having turned down offers from TNA, the New York Yankees and Nike to head to the Performance Center in Florida. Although known as a “stiff” worker in the Hoodslam ring, Broseph’s penis should fit well into the WWE landscape.

“We feel that Broseph’s penis will have a long standing future here in the WWE,” said Chief Operating Officer Triple H. “We figure it’ll factor in heavily on future seasons of Total Divas, and should anchor our upcoming relaunch of the Cruiserweight Division.”

Originally, Broseph’s balls were planned to be signed in a “package” deal, but were not offered contracts because they needed to bulk up. The stable of Broseph’s dick and balls may still make WWE TV, but instead of being paired with his balls, it is likely that the stable will instead include The Bella Twins.

“I’m really excited to be a part of the WWE.” said Broseph’s penis “Although I kind of wish WCW was still around, so I could be where the big boys play.”

Broseph’s penis will have to undergo a name change in accordance with WWE’s policies. His penis is expected to debut on NXT this November under the name “Terry Spunk.”

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LIGHTS ON FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE RAVENS RULES MATCH, OCT3rd

SHELLY MARTINEZ VS. BRITTANY WONDER

No cheesy pun in the header for this one, the name speaks for itself. On August 23rd in San Francisco, Brittany Wonder was able to defeat Shelly Martinez in a physical match that sprawled across the Z Space, leaving many a splat from a suplex on the concrete floor.

At the September 5th event back in Oakland, Shelly, who has Shelly Martinez’s Funpage, welcomed Brittany to the ring, and in the spirit of friendly competition, asked for a rematch. Again, they fought across another building, including battling upon the bar at the Oakland Metro Operahouse. Shelly won this time, although it was clearly with the help of unsportswomanlike conduct. (I’m told she spit period blood in her face, but only Jesus knows)

The rubber match has been booked, but Shelly Martinez requested a single caveat: that it be Falls Count Anywhere in the building. That means on the floor. On the bar. On the fans. In the bathroom. In the smoking section. On the hotdog truck. ANYWHERE you can get your opponents shoulders down for three seconds, it counts. So we’re turning the fucking lights on. RAVENS RULES!

30(?) Entity Over the Top Rope Royal Rumble of Ranking Ramifications, OCT 3rd

– We learned from past FTF events that sometimes our host isn’t gracious. They don’t include everyone. They only want revenge or think of themselves. So we think of the children. Not kids, because dontbringyourfnkids – I mean Gods children. Which is us, the rest of us, who don’t have matches. So we have one big match. In fact, it is annually the biggest match in all of the Hoodslam season.

The Royal Rumble of Ranking Ramifications goes like this: two unlucky souls walk to the ring. Every minute or two, another entrant comes to the ring. This goes on for like 30 people. A contestant is eliminated from the match when they are thrown over the ring ropes and both feet touch the floor. Last year, no fans died. Hopefully they remember to get the f out of the way this year too.

The winner is promised a shot at the Golden Gig at our next event. Literally anyone on the roster can be catapulted into an opportunity to fight for our most prestigious award. Those at the top of the mountain will be swiftly brushed aside, effectively boned. Ask not why the bone bones, the bone bones for thee.

October 3rd, 2014 doors 8:30, show 9pm
630 3rd Street, Oakland Metro Operahouse
$10 cover, 21&up, dontbringyourfnkids
birdswillfall.com – social media, we’re @Hoodslam

Battle for BEST ATHLETE IN THE BAY, as decreed by sir Brosepheth, OCT 3rd

Scorpion FTF VS Cereal Man


The Best Athlete in the Bay is FONG, one half of the generally repugnant Team Game Over. The self proclaimed Fucking Obese Nerdy Gamer (who moves like a dancer) has been boycotting Hoodslam since he revealed someone had stolen his Golden Fannypack – the item awarded to the Best Athlete in the Bay as representation of his physical acumen. Broseph Joe Brody, aware of his upcoming sovereignty, announced that whomever two could outlast all others in a gauntlet would fight for the prize at FTF V. Your winners are apparent, but what exactly is happening, and its legality under Hoodslam legislature, is unclear: will they fight each other to fight FONG? Will Broseph allow FONG to be in the match? If FONG continues his boycott, does that make the winner the defacto Best Athlete? I dunno, but I’d hate to be the guy responsible for that decision…

October 3rd, 2014 doors 8:30, show 9pm
630 3rd Street, Oakland Metro Operahouse
$10 cover, 21&up, dontbringyourfnkids
birdswillfall.com – social media, we’re @Hoodslam

Hoodslam Youtube Channel

HEY YO…its survey time! In an attempt to bring you the best content ever EVER, we’d like to know what yall want from YOUR Hoodslam youtube channel. Are you enjoying kaboom of the weeks? Want more highlight reels or full matches? Do you miss the old full course episodes or do you enjoy the more recent easier to digest snacks we’ve been throwing out? What more would you like to see?

Furthermore, we’d like to start doing something new: do you have any burning questions about the life of a female wrestler? Maybe about being a twin? Perhaps you want to know what a coked up rabbit man has for breakfast? If so, youre in luck! You’ll soon be granted an opportunity to anonymously submit questions for some poor Hoodslammer.

But before we get to questions, we got pick our muse. So along with your awesome comments about http://www.youtube.com/hoodslam Hoodslam channel tell us who you wanna hear from!

And subscribe!

 

Hoodslams Doc Atrocity is holding Adventure Times Finn the Human hostage

Spin The Wheel, Make The Deal match at Hoodslam FTFV: Broetic Justice on October 3rd!

A battle that will transcend time and space. Who will be in charge after this fight transpires?

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SPIN THE WHEEL, MAKE THE DEAL!… Anything can happen!

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El Flaco Loco vs Doc Atrocity

Shelly Martinez VS Brittany Wonder Oct 3rd

Round 3 between Shelly Martinez and “Ultra Girl” Brittany Wonder in the first ever “Lights On, Falls Count Anywhere: Raven’s Rules” match! — with Brittany Wonder and Shelly Martinez.
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Hoodslam “Love the Game II: Smokarina of Time” (June 20, 2014) Results

Hoodslam “Love the Game II: Smokarina of Time”
Friday, June 20, 2014
Oakland, Calif. at the Oakland Metro Opera House
Paid Attendance: 320

This was a special Friday show, as Hoodslam usually runs the first Friday of the month.

On this night, the Hoodslam Band was known as Face Invaders. Live commentary by “Broseph” Joe Brody (WWE Tough Enough’s A.J. Kirsch).

(1) “The God of War” Kratos beat James C. with the Wrath of Kratos (sit-out powerbomb chokeslam).

(2) The Super Stoner Bros. (Super Stoner Mario & Super Stoner Luigi) & Toad (w/Princess Peach-kush and Bobby Burgerblock) beat Smackdown (Here Comes the Pain’s create-a-wrestler Virgil Flynn IV & Assassin’s Creed’s Altair & WARIO) when the Super Stoner Bros. hit the Rizz Bomb on Altair.

(3) The Legend of Zelda’s Link beat Castlevania’s Simon Belmont with the Rupee Cutter.

(4) Ryu beat Ken and Akuma when Akuma used the Dark Hadou to force Ryu to hit Ken with a Shinku Hadoken in a Street Fighter II triple threat match. Following the match, Akuma told Ryu “You owe me.”

(5) Super Mutant Red Rhino 2099 Arcade Challenge: Super Mutant Red Rhino 2099 (w/Doc Atrocity) beat Bat Mantual with a seated super punch.

(6) Video game gauntlet match (pinfall or submission): P.O.N.G. (Pissed Off Nerdy Gamer) beat Darkstalker’s Anakaris, Mortal Kombat’s Jax, Paperboy’s paperboy, Mortal Kombat’s Jax, Carl “C.J.” “Johnson from Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas” (ECW original Mustafa), and Altered Beast’s Cheetah Man when P.O.N.G. hit the buzzsaw kick through the Mario Kart spiked turtle shell on Cheetah Man.

(7) Best Athlete in the East Bay Award: F.O.N.G. (F’n Obese Nerdy Gamer w/P.O.N.G.) beat Mega Man with the fat splash on top of the Mario Kart spiked turtle shell to retain.

(8) Mortal Kombat main event: Scorpion (w/Princess Kitana) beat Sub-Zero (w/Queen Sindel) with the Burning Driver, even after suffering from a Friendship, Babality, and a heart-wrench fatality.

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