The year is almost up, but we’re already hard at work to make our first show of 2015 the best we can! Some of it might need some ‘splainin. Some of it words won’t do justice. All of it will be fucking incredible. Believe that.
BEST ATHLETE IN THE BAY AWARD
The Hero of HIGHrule Link was able to defeat three opponents in a single night to become the 2014 HoodFighter Tournament winner. Now its time to claim his prize: a shot at the Best Athlete in the Bay Golden Fannypack Champion FONG (fucking obese nerdy gamer- he picked his fucking name).
However, there’s some shit; FONG, who claimed his Fannypack was stolen and thus refused to defend it for months, was awarded a new Golden Fannypack so that he could be the champion we deserved. It was at this moment that PONG (Pissed Off Nerdy Gamer, FONGs partner in team Game Over) was able to “find” the stolen Fannypack, and the two declared themselves CO-Best Athlete in the Bay.
What this means for our 2014 HoodFighter Champion is yet to be determined…
WHAT THE FUCKS UP, DOC?
Doc Atrocity may have lost his shit. How do you tell when an evil genetic splicer with visions of the future has gone crazy? Well, for one he’s been really nice to people. Second, he stared wearing skin. Somehow its creepier than before.
It all seems to have started with his run for Mayor of Hoodslam. DARK Sheik, after quitting in June 2013, returned that winter with peculiar news: he’d been to the future, and in the year 2099 Doc Atrocity will run Hoodslam, and, by extension, the world. (we do really well the next 85 years).
Assuming his dominance to be predestined, Doc began to wage war with much of Hoodslam, declaring himself the leader, and running a general amok. El Flaco Loco, just a commentator at the time, would stand up to him. He would rise as a warrior. He would become captain of our ship – all at the expense of Doc Atrocity.
Then, with everything Doc had dreamed of in Flaco Loco’s grasp…he just gave it away. The fans were declared leader of his tribe, and all Doc had fought for became meaningless…
In search of new meaning perhaps, Doc Atrocity has changed his tune. But so far, its a song nobody in Hoodslam wants to dance to, and his guilty feet have had to shuffle to this slow jam alone.
GOLDEN GIG CHAMPIONSHIP
Juiced Lee vs. Virgil Flynn the Third
Since September of 2013 Juiced Lee has held onto the greatest prize in our sport: the Golden Gig. Symbolizing excellence in our profession (that we invented), he who holds the Gig stands atop the Hoodslam mountain. He overtook the Stoner Brothers to become champion. He defeated his nemesis DARK Sheik to solidify himself. And for the last 15 months he has knocked down every opponent put in front of him, sometimes two or thee at a time. In almost 5 years of Hoodslam, he’s never really been beat.
Virgil Flynn III has taken a different route. Not a Hoodslam original, he came to the party late. He lost his first half dozen matches. He’s the smallest person on the roster. But his presence in Hoodslam is undeniable. InIGNORABLE! When he hits the stage, shit goes down. This former owner of the Best Athlete in the East Bay Award defeated almost 600 pounds of man at Decembers event when he was able to best both Scott Rick Stoner of Stoner U and the 1920s Gangster James C to earn his shot.
Now, for the first time ever, Juiced Lee takes on Virgil Flynn. The fans win. I’m just gonna sit back and watch the fn fireworks.
SO MUCH MORE, but its early and i’m hung over. Anthony Anthony Riv Butabi is still dying. Thats the big one.
BRITTANY WONDER, BATMANUEL, BROSEPH, BANANA, and other wrestlers that don’t start with B. (BeJESUS KRUZE?)
Hoodslam: Winter is Squirting
January 2nd, 2015
Oakland Metro Operahouse
8 pm doors, 9 pm show
$10 cover FOR THE LAST TIME!
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