Drinko’s Drunken Review 5: The Room

So yeah, this is back. Some asked, not many. Who cares. I wasn’t lazy or anything, truth was I just didn’t have shit to say. Who wants to hear me just confirm that Ultimate Marvel vs Capcom 3 is awesome? No fuckin’ one…and really, you just heard that. So it’s true. Here it goes, I’m doing this movie because basically…I have to. It’s the Holy Grail of B movies. Let’s give you some insight…

tommy (1)

There once was a man named Tommy Wiseau. He’s an actor who has been in one movie…this one. And guess what, he’s the star of the movie. Kind of weird right? Straight to the top. Who would cast him in the lead role? Well…himself. Yeah. So Tommy Wiseau directed, produced, wrote and stars in The Room. Basically, this movie is his baby, and he’s gonna show it the proper fuckin’ respect. Let’s do this shit.

The movie is set in San Francisco, and it follows a guy named Johnny (fuck yeah). Johnny works at a bank and is dating Lisa. There’s this weird ass kid named Denny that lives in the same apartment complex as them. Denny is creepy. Johnny buys Lisa a fuckin’ dress and they go up to the bedroom to fuck, but Denny comes in because “I just like to watch you guys” (?!). Johnny tells him to take a fuckin’ powder and then him and Lisa screw…this is like 3 minutes into the movie. Great pace we are setting. Anyways, after about 5 minutes of one of the most awkward sex scenes ever, it ends…Lisa looks like she has a giant mole on her back (it’s a rose petal, but you’ll think it’s a mole) and we get to see Johnny’s ass crack (the fans demanded it). The next morning, Lisa tells her mother that she doesn’t love Johnny anymore. What the hell…they seemed pretty happy. Lisa’s mom nags and complains about being tired and blah blah blah, she has breast cancer. Who cares, they relive this scene like 5 more fuckin’ times. Lisa calls up Mark, Johnny’s best friend, and he comes by. She tries to seduce him, he acts like he can’t tell what’s happening, and….well they fuck. We’re 10 minutes into this thing, and Lisa’s already been banged twice. I’m gonna press the ENTER button twice or this whole review is gonna be one long ass paragraph.

After work, Johnny goes to the flower store and has…one of the weirdest dialogues ever seen in a movie. Fuck you, I ain’t typing it, but I’ll copy paste this shit

Johnny: [walks into flower shop] Hi.
Flower Shop Clerk: Can I help you?
Johnny: Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses, please?
Flower Shop Clerk: Oh, hi, Johnny. I didn’t know it was you.
[grabs bouquet of roses] Flower Shop Clerk: Here you go.
Johnny: That’s me. How much is it?
Flower Shop Clerk: It’ll be eighteen dollars.
Johnny: [hands over cash] Here you go. Keep the change.
[grabs flowers and pats dog on the counter] Johnny: Hi, doggy.
Flower Shop Clerk: You’re my favorite customer.
Johnny: Thanks a lot. Bye!
Flower Shop Clerk: Buh-bye!

Hi doggy! The dog is bad ass. And the random “That’s me.” Is head scratching. But who cares? If you’re watching this shit, you’ve already given up on caring anyways. Either that, or someone is playing a prank on you. (me) So yeah, Johnny goes home and…you know what, fuck it. I already opened a page with quotes…

Lisa: Did you get your promotion?
Johnny: Nah.
[pause] Lisa: You didn’t get it, did you?

Uh…..duh. She’s really rubbing salt on the wound there. It’s like…

“Hey man, you hook up with that chick last night?”
“You didn’t get it did you?”

Anyways, Lisa orders a pizza and decides to get drunk with Johnny, even though Johnny doesn’t drink (it seriously pained me to type “Johnny doesn’t drink”). Here’s a funny thing I noticed. She orders pizza delivery, the pizza isn’t there when Johnny gets home. When he gets home, she suggests drinking. She talks him into it. She goes into the kitchen to get drinks, and when she comes back…the fuckin’ pizza is there. Well done movie. Maybe it’s a metaphor for something. Anyways, they get drunk, and they fuck…again. I swear, if Lisa had a dick coming out of her for every dick put in her she’s gonna look like a porcupine by the end of the movie. Oh yeah, we’re like 22 minutes in, third fuck scene. Oh yeah, it sucks. I think it’s the same footage recycled from the last scene. I’d confirm that, but I don’t want to see Tommy Wiseau’s ass again that badly.

Next moring, I think (fuck this shit, I’m doing it by memory, and I’m always drunk when I watch this movie….and type about it), Lisa tells her mom that “Johnny got drunk last night, and he hit me.” to which she replies “Johnny doesn’t drink!” (pained me again to type that). I really like that the mom no sells her daughter telling her that Johnny beats her. Good stuff. Anyways, Lisa fucks Mark, like….10 more times thoughout the movie, each time, he acts just as surprised about it as he did the first time, which makes me think she’s been cheating on Johnny with Mark even before the movie starts, because he’s always surprised by what’s happening. The first time we saw it could have been the 50th time. Johnny get’s mad, and then shoots himself in the head and the movie ends. Yeah, I just summed up the last 75 minutes of the movie in 3 sentences. Who cares?

Here’s the thing. This shit is so fuckin’ bad that it’s honestly one of my favorite movies of all time. Seriously. And it’s basically all Tommy Wiseau. He created this whole thing. He wrote the script and everything, and oh, by the way. His acting…HOLY CRAP. He’s so bad that it’s…it’s indescribable. It’s bad, yet you can kinda feel that Johnny, and really Tommy Wiseau is generally a good person. There’s lots of goofiness, the football playing while they are standing like 3 feet apart. The chicken noises are legendary WTF material. Classic gems such as this…

Mark: How was work today?
Johnny: Oh, pretty good. We got a new client and the bank will make a lot of money.
Mark: What client?
Johnny: I cannot tell you; it’s confidential.
Mark: Aw, come on. Why not?
Johnny: No, I can’t. Anyway, how is your sex life?

?!!? The client at the bank is far too secret information to share, but uh….what ya been doing with your wiener dude? And oh yeah, Mark doesn’t act like it’s weird at all. He’s just kinda like… “Meh, not bad.” even though he’s banging out Johnny’s fiancee. It’s a movie that’ll make you go HUH?! quite a few times. It’s funny stuff, and really the only dull parts are the shitty sex scenes, but even those have comedy if you don’t mind staring at Tommy ass. Half the time Johnny is fucking Lisa’s stomach. To be honest, I’d say watch this shit. If anything so you can atleast feel the torture that I have. If you’re expecting fuckin’ Casablanca…well for one you’re an idiot, but also you are going to be let down. But if you like BAD movies, this is one of the best. And big screen viewings of this movie happen all the time, kind of like a Rocky Horror type thing. It’s a cult classic, so check it out. You’ll either love it or hate it. Yeah, it’s hard to find. You won’t find it on Netflix, OnDemand or on the shelf at like…Walmart or some shit….”So how do I watch it Drinko?”


You’re welcome.