Drinko’s Drunken Review 4: No Holds Barred

The Era is over…I defeated Mega Man…he’s gone home to be a Mega Man. Apparently I was never dating Cammy, which is fine with me. Thought I banged her though…meh, no big deal. Besides, last year I hooked up with a chick that basically looked just like her. I’m drinking a lot of Sailor Jerry lately, training for another run at the GIG. I don’t have a title shot or nothing booked, but I was the first Hoodslam champ, which basically entitles me to unlimited title matches. Plus I know how to politic. But that’s not what we are here to talk about. Lets get to business.


Holy shit. I’ve wanted this movie for ages. I’ve always been told it sucked, and had only really seen it as a kid. At the time, holy crap, it’s a WWF Movie…that didn’t happen. Hulk Hogan plays Rip…the WWF Champion. Why he wasn’t just Hulk Hogan…I don’t know. Jesse Ventura and Mean Gene Okerlund are in the movie as themselves. Basically Rip is exactly like Hulk Hogan, but with a shittier finisher. The dude that was Rob Lowe’s sidekick in Wayne’s World wants to sign Rip to a contract so he will be exclusive to his network. Why? I don’t know. Because the World Televison Network doesn’t have a wrestling or fighting program on it’s station for Rip to work on. I think it’s because Wayne’s World’s network really needs a Jockass (not a typo) like Rip to…I don’t know, do commercials or something. Rip says no, shoves the contract down Wayne’s World’s throat because he doesn’t want to get fuckin’ signed and then leaves, but not before getting his signature taunt in for the hard cam (seriously, he’s getting his gimmick over in an office building in front of NO ONE except for the camera that he shouldn’t know is there).


Awesome. Next is the famous dookie scene…where a guy shits his pants out of fear of Hogan and the camera catches a great shot of his soaked pants…great. I’ll get an email if I don’t atleast mention that part…not much else to say

So Wayne’s World can’t sign Rip, so he and his underlings go to a dive bar that has live fights. Stan Hansen makes an appearence. He’s one of the guys fighting in the bar, and actually does quite well in his small role, beating people up and making fun of guys for having small wieners. Seeing all the carnage, Wayne’s World’s get the idea that maybe he could put this battle of tough guys on his network, and it would get great ratings. All he would need is a creative name for the show. He names it The Battle of the Tough Guys…great name. Anyways, the show goes on TV and the tough guys fight. A new fighter shows up and destroys everyone. We find out that his name is Zeus, and he is declared the winner of the show, despite the fact that he wasn’t even booked.


Hulk Hogan is in this movie…figured I’d say that because you literally don’t see him for like 30 straight minutes. I don’t even think he’s mentioned. Weird…I think its because he was busy fighting crime in restaurants. Yes…he stops a robbery in a restaurant. The WWF WORLD CHAMPION beats the crap out of ARMED GUNMEN in PUBLIC…think about that. What if someone broke into your house and demanded money, while sticking a gun in your face, but then CM Punk busted down your door, hit them with pies and saved the day. THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS. By the way, Hogan TRASHES the restaurant while beating up these guys, undoubtly costing the restaurant more money than was likely in the register. He even gets his gimmick over again for the hard cam…


So the lady he’s with is…oh wait…I didn’t mention her? Not important. They share a room, you know Rip is gonna bang her the moment she appears on screen. Whatever. For some reason Hogan walks around wearing bright as shit orange shorts and a tank top that were unacceptable even by 80′s standards, and builds a wall (watch the movie, I’m not explaining my jokes, rum is almost gone) Hogan lets her see this…


Yeah, that’s Hogan wearing less than he does in the ring sweating and doing push ups. This is obviously what the fans wanted to see. Ugh. Blah blah blah, skip ahead. So Zeus beats the crap out of Rip’s brother, and he…oh wait…I didn’t mention him either? Not important, as soon as he appears on screen you know he’s just there to get beat up. Basically Zeus puts him in the hospital, giving Hulk Hogan a chance to display some of his wide array of acting skills.


His brother being injured is enough for Rip to accept Wayne’s World’s offer of a fight with Zeus on The Battle of the Tough Guys. I wonder what Vince thought of that? I mean he screwed over Bret Hart because he was afraid that he may show up at WCW with the WWF Title. Here, his top guy is in an ADVERTISED MAIN EVENT, WORKING FOR HIS COMPETITION. Anyways we get to the match, Hogan’s girlfriend gets kidnapped by Wayne’s World’s thugs, but escapes by walking out the door…literally, she just leaves. Rip is getting his ass beat by Zeus and his brother looks like this the whole fight.


That image just makes me laugh…don’t know why. Anyways the fight goes on and…well honestly, I can’t say much. The fight is pretty well done. It even has a nice false finish thrown in. The REAL end of the match was pretty legendary, as Rip knocks Zeus off a balcony, into the ring, destroying the mat and sending Zeus straight through to the floor. Now Hogan can get his revenge on Wayne’s World’s, but Wayne’s World’s just kind of accidentally electricutes himself…wow. Clumsy. Imagine if he had accidentally done this earlier in the movie, there would be no movie. Dumb ass. Anyways, the crowd cheers for getting to see the death of a man, possibly two men because Zeus could have died from the bump he took. Everyone is happy, Rip’s brother can SOMEHOW now walk again, Hogan gets the girl and everyone lives happily ever after, hoping that there will never be a sequel. Rip closes the movie the only way he knows how.


Wow. This movie…is BAD. Fortunately, it’s BLATANTLY bad. With the WWE re-release of this movie they promoted it as being blatantly bad. I thought they were just saying that to cover their asses and try to make a few bucks off dusting off a turd. Truth is, I don’t think they could have possibly been serious when they made this movie. It’s goofy as hell, totally cheesy and pretty childish at points. What it isn’t though, is boring. This is another fun movie. The goofiness is it’s charm, and I have a blast watching it. It was really rare to see a wrestler in a movie, and even more rare to see a wrestler in a wrestling movie. This was the Holy Grail of sorts, as you had the WWF Champion at the time, in a movie playing the role of the WWF Champion. Pretty cool. It even led to some pretty big things…


That picture is not from the movie. Zeus and Hulk Hogan actually had a feud on WWF TV in the summer and fall of 1989. Yeah, the matches weren’t masterpieces, but watch the main event of SummerSlam 89 and tell me when the last time you’ve seen a crowd go THAT wild during a WWE show that was not called Wrestlemania. Bottom line is, I recommend this movie. Call it 8 out of 10. It’s cheesy as hell, but if you grew up a wrestling fan then this is a part of your childhood, and a movie that influenced a large chunk of WWF Programming during one of the hottest times in wrestling history. I’d check it out, have a laugh. I guarantee you’ll be doing the Rip taunt for weeks after seeing it. No more typing, see ya all on August 3rd. I need a drink.