All I’m going to say about last Hoodslam is fuck Mega Man…and Zangief…and Sagat….and my brother….and the Pink Panther….and the fans, with my wiener. Ok time for business.
Drinko’s Drunken Review II: SUPER MARIO BROS. THE MOVIE
Yeah, remember being a kid and hearing that they were making a Super Mario movie? You shit your pants didn’t you? I know I did, I even kept the pants. This was gonna kick ass right….yeah, except…fuck. Anyways, let’s start with the fantastic job of casting that they did with this movie shall we? First off, our two main characters are two Italian plumbers from Brooklyn. Naturally, as the Mario brothers they cast Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo. Yeah, an Englishman and a Puerto Rican. Great start movie.
Ok, I admit. Bob Hoskins does kick ass, and really was a great choice to play Mario. Had the right look, and seemed to have the right voice for the part. Remember this is before Super Mario 64 came around and made Mario sound like Mickey Mouse, all we really had to work with was Captain Lou Albano’s portrayal of Mario. Good choice, lets see what else they do…
Man….GREAT choice. No mustache. HOW THE FUCK DOES LUIGI NOT HAVE A MUSTACHE. He’s also not significantly taller than Mario. MAYBE by an inch, maybe. That was the whole gimmick, Mario was short and fat, Luigi was tall and…well less fat. Oh and guess what. Leguizamo doesn’t act at all. He’s just being John Leguizamo. Hey, I like John Leguizamo, but….fuck. It’s like they just told him to be himself, fuck it, the kids won’t know the difference…UGH. Ok, let’s see how they cast the almighty King Koopa AKA Bowser.
……………….ARE YOU SHITTING ME?!!? Again, Dennis Hopper is fucking awesome but WHY THE FUCK IS HE KING KOOPA?! And don’t tell me they couldn’t do it with the technology, bull shit. This was after the TMNT movies, the technology was there. You know what…I know, here’s what they should have done for King Koopa…
There…way better. Took me 3 minutes and the Paint program and I put more thought and effort into casting this part than the producers of this movie did. Anyways, the characters look like shit, but I bet most of the classic props are here right? Like the classic Mario Mushroom? Let’s see how they did…
Wow…feel like you’re playing the game yet? I mean seriously, everything looks so much like the game that I keep thinking I forgot to turn off my SNES or something…..JESUS CHRIST, FUCK THIS MOVIE. Ok….lets get this shit over with.
The movie starts with a shitty animated sequence explaining that dinosaurs got killed by a meteor and WHAT IF the meteor split our dimensions creating a human world and dinosaur world. Then it shows an egg hatching and a baby coming out…a human one. Ok. We then find out that the Mario Bros are two broke ass plumbers from Brooklyn and then they meet Daisy, the chick who hatched from the egg (Yeah, I’m skipping alot, but again, fuck you…you watch it). Daisy is the key to merging the universes and yadda yadda yadda Koopa wants to take over the world, but he needs a a meteorite piece that Daisy wears as a necklace which they constantly refer to as “the rock” (really wanna have fun, everytime they mention the rock pretend they are talking about Dwayne Johnson). Koopa has been kidnapping women in Brooklyn, trying to find Daisy, but had only been successful in kidnapping the 1994 cast of the Jersey Shore. The Mario brothers get the rock but it gets taken away by the Pine-Sol lady and then they get arrested. They are trying to escape from Koopa’s Tower and…wait….
WHAT THE FUCK?! Ugh…ok….fuck it, the Mario Brothers win, they set up something that would lead to a sequel, but this movie BOMBED so the sequel never happened. THE END.
Ok…this movie is pretty bad, but it has some fun moments. Dennis Hopper is always cool even though he’s a man playing the role of A FIRE BREATHING TURTLE. He’s a fun heel, but he’s basically in the same role that he would later be in in Land of the Dead, which coincidently also saw him living in a giant tower, AND starred John Leguizamo (god I hope I’m spelling his name right…). The things that bothered me a lot about this movie mostly was that they basically put the Mario brothers in a world that they never EVER were in during the games. No castles, very few of the classic enemies, no Koopa kids, Bowser was a FUCKING HUMAN, no fire flowers or invincibilty stars, no LAVA and no Princess Toadstool. Yeah, the Princess we all grew up saving…not in the movie. And yeah, I know Daisy was in the Game Boy games, but she was hardly as well known. Plus, when you do a storyline where the King is turned to fungus, WHY THE FUCK WOULDN’T YOU USE A PRINCESS NAMED TOADSTOOL. I guess she was booked somewhere else…But wait, here’s something I noticed that pissed me off…
This is one of the kidnapped girls in Koopa’s Tower…she look like she could pass for someone? Yeah, why didn’t they just make her Toadstool?! I don’t care if she’s just an extra, so what. I bet she could act well enough. Daisy is HORRIBLE in this movie. Like bad, really bad…like…Shaq bad.
In conclusion, I’d say that this movie is pretty bad, but there are some clever subtle lines thrown in there. I do chuckle when Mario says “Let’s hit the bricks.” Get it…? Plus Koopa’s de-evolve gun in just a black Super Scope 6, which is pretty funny also. It’s not boring, but there’s a lot of stuff in here that had nothing to do with Mario Brothers. This is a pretty bad video game movie, and yeah, most of them suck, but Super Mario Brothers is THE franchise in video games, so if one would be good, it would be this one. But it’s very BLAH. I give it 5/10. I have no way to finish this article, so I will just say BYE.