Drinko's Drunken Review 1: STREET FIGHTER THE MOVIE: THE GAME: THE REVIEW

Whoa…last Friday I got pretty smashed.  It was a joyous night, the return of the Knights of the Roxbury, and it seemed like all was good.  Well, all I know was we were doing pretty well, and the next thing I remember I got pinned and my leg really hurt.  My brother was nice enough to help me up, and then he turned around and kicked my leg out of my leg.  Fuckin’ dick.  And after all I’ve done for him all our lives.  Like back in high school when I let him have my old car.  Sure it wasn’t the best, but I filled it up when it was empty, and even though I drove it long and hard until it was practically worthless, I let him have it when I was done…kind of like Mathea II.  Looks like this sibling rivalry will continue. I’ll see you on March 2nd bro.

So yeah, anyways, this is a new thing for www.birdswillfall.com.  On a monthly basis I will be reviewing either a movie, game, TV show, wrestling show, etc, and giving my thoughts on them.  Since this is the first one, we aint fucking around with this one.  Being that Hoodslam is in the middle of Capcom War II, I feel it is appropriate to review something very related.

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Oh yes, Street Fighter the F’N movie.  Based on Street Fighter the game…well…Street Fighter II atleast….or I guess Super Street Fighter II since Cammy, Deejay and T. Hawk are in it, but…whatever.  I guess naming the only movie in the series Super Street Fighter II the Movie based on the Game wasn’t the best title.  Anyways, the main character in this movie is the American Hero Guile played by red-blooded American action star…Jean Claude Van Damme, who barely even speaks English.  The main heel of the movie is General M. Bison, played by Raul Julia in his final film appearance before his death (the film actually released in theatres after he had died, like a Heath Ledger thing).  I’d tell you the plot in detail, but fuck that shit.  Bison wants to take over the world, Guile wants to save the world.  That’s it.  Guile’s best friend Charlie has been taken hostage by Bison and he wants to save him, Charlie is Guile’s long lost friend in the games, but somehow becomes Blanka in the movie (WTF?!).  Dhalsim is a scientist now apparently, Ken looks like Rudy, Deejay lost like 70 pounds and is a computer genius (HUH?!), T. Hawk lost 200 pounds, Sagat is 18 inches shorter, Fei Long fabed the movie altogether, Honda is Hawaiian and Balrog is a GOOD GUY (FTF!!!)Really, only like 4 or 5 characters look even remotely like they should have looked, and many of them act totally out of character.  I think the producers never played the games, they just had pictures and names for characters and just put something together, because kids that play the game are dumb, they won’t know the difference right?

Anyways, Ken and Ryu show up, they go to jail. (I’m not telling the whole story, fuck you, watch it) Guile tells them to help him commit suicide, but it’s a work.  Bison thinks Guile is dead so he’s free to take over the world.  Guile swerves him, attacks his base.  He kills Bison, but Bison gets back up (duh, got to beat him twice, Street Fighter rules = best two out of three).  Bison turns into Raiden and starts zapping Guile with lightning, but Guile goes over with ONE KICK.  The building is starting to self destruct so everyone powders out.  Every one lives and does their pose to end the movie…YAY.

Thank god they had room for Capt Sawada in the script, the fans were really clamoring to see him

Thank god they had room for Capt Sawada in the script, the fans were really clamoring to see him

Ok, fuck the story, it has very little to do with the games.  The games took place all over the world, this movie only takes place in one place, Shadaloo city.  Like I said, few people really look and act the way they should, and I’d actually say Vega is the truest character because he doesn’t say anything to totally ruin his mythology and he looks basically exactly the way he should, totally chiseled, Spanish and wearing the correct gear.  Speaking of gear, did you know that Ryu and Ken’s gis are actually uniforms for Bison troops? Me neither, until I saw this movie.  This movie sounds like one big giant piece of shit right? Well yeah, it basically is…BUT…it’s a very entertaining piece of shit.  I’d even call it one of my favorite movies ever.  As a kid I hated it. Blanka was my favorite character, and he does next to nothing in this movie, looks goofy, and DIES in the end. Yeah, Dhalsim and Blanka die.  But now, this movie falls into the so bad it’s good category, and with the efforts of one man, this movie holds up well for me.

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Raul F’n Julia.  Holy shit, I swear, everytime he speaks in this movie it’s friggin’ epic.  Take any Bison line from this movie and put it on a t-shirt, I’ll buy it.  The Bisonopolis speech, the whole “It was Tuesday” thing with Chun Li.  Raul Julia was awesome as Bison.  He’s not a dark sinister vicious heel or anything, just really fun to watch, and that’s what this movie was supposed to be, fun. Yeah it fucks up with the stories and all that stuff, but I guarantee, as much as you hate this movie (or say you hate it), if you were flipping channels one night and it came on TV, you’d watch it til the end.  I give this movie a very high recommendation.  Not the highest of high, but very high.  Leave your brain at the door, forget all the homework you’ve done learning the storylines of each character from the game, just kick back, and have fun.  I’ll give it a 9 out of 10.  If you don’t like my rating, who cares?  Really who cares, this aint the Academy Awards or some shit.

I aint selling your shit Guile

I aint selling your shit Guile

So there you have it…Street Fighter the Movie.  A movie based on a game, named after the prequel to the game it’s based off of.  Kind of ridiculous.  Well, lets get stupider

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YEAH…A game based on a movie, based on a game but named after the prequel to the game…I lose you yet?  But yes, this exists.  And it’s live action graphics, not traditional animated Street Fighters.  Fun fact, it’s a joint production between Acclaim and Capcom, basically the closest thing kids in the 90’s got to a Mortal Kombat/Street Fighter crossover.  Basically everyone from the movie is in it, except Dhalsim, but who’s gonna miss him? It’s basically like Street Fighter Alpha but with Mortal Kombat graphics.  The characters move a little less smooth than other games, but it’s a Street Fighter game, so it’s still very good.  A fun thing about this game is that Akuma is a playable character.  He was not in the movie but he can be used in the game if you enter a code (fuck you, you look it up).  Like I said, it’s a good game, but it gets a bad rap because the concept is pretty ridiculous.

Anyways, fuck you, that’s it…too much typing.  See you all on March 2nd. I’ve got 8 more Rolling Rocks to finish before the night is over. FTF

 

DRINKO

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