October 5th, 2012

Approx. 420 paid attendance

(1) Dark Sheik successfully defended his “East Bay Express: Best Athlete Award” against The Karate Kid.

(2) “Wonder Woman” Shelly Martinez beat Sexy Chino, El ChupaCabra, and Mega Man to get #30 in the Royal Rumble of Ranking Ramifications

(3) Super Red Rhino 2099 beat Joe Da Soul in Doc Atrocity’s Super Red Rhino 2099 Arcade Challenge

(4) ECW original Mustafa Saed & Pooh Jack beat The Panther Party (Mr. Hoodslam 2 & Grand Master G)

(5) Gangrel the Vampire Warrior (w/Shelly Martinez) beat The Mexican Werewolf El Chupacabra (w/Courtney Crimson)

(6) The James Gang (James C & Drugs Bunny & Stony Montana) beat The Butabi Brothers (Anthony & Johnny Drinko & the returning Gorilla Zombie Vinny) in a six-man war to retain the Golden Gig Title.

Costume contest for ladies in attendance was too close to call, so prizes were given to the final six competitors.

(7) Rik Scott Stoner (of the Stoner Brothers) won a 30-person Royal Rumble of Ranking Ramifications to get a shot at the Golden Gig on November 2. Rik outlasted Matt Travolta, Banana, Blanka, Zangief, Virgil, Rocky 4, Scott Rick Stoner, E. Honda, Skinny Warrior, Charlie Chaplin, Prawn Cena, Butternuts, Jesus Cruz, Otis The Gimp, and Shelly Martinez, just to name a few.

– Live commentary was presented by award-winning commentator OG Kevin Gill “KG” (Juggalo Championship Wrestling) and Broseph Joe Brody formerly known as A.J. Kirsch of WWE Tough Enough.

Live Music by Twisted Fister.

Special Performance by Revolva

June 1st, 2012
Oakland Metro
630 3rd St
Oakland, CA

The show was not our biggest attended, but those there were truly the Hoodslam hardcore, and kept the energy HIGH the entire night! How high? In the words of E-40, “higher than giraffe koochie”. Gross.

Ike Emelio Burner warmed the crowd up with his velvet voice as the Hoodslam Band “Molestor Stallone” chilled them with their icy awesome rock. He introduced to half of our commentary team, the JuggalOG Kevin Gill, but before he could complete the duo, he was interrupted by some shitty white boy rock (I think it’s called “Affliction”?). This would be our impromptu introduction to “Broseph” Joe Brody, a newcomer to the Hoodslam event. He cut a promo, (correction – “bromo”) informing the crowd that his fratboy lifestyle and tap out shorts surpassed all others. Not wanting to wait for our introductions to even finish, he continued to orally “brow the minds” of all in attendance and send a challenge to the Hoodslam roster! As is tradition in wrestling, music and pyro was already cued, and the challenge was efficiently answered…

Coldbeer defeated “Broseph” Joe Brody
…and it was answered in a huge way. The returning Coldbeer was a runaway train of rage and Newcastle. Broseph was athletic and impressive. The train won. SPEAR. JACKHAMMER. The end.

Ike Burner and Kevin Gill were finally able to continue their introductions, and after bringing out Tough Enough’s “Tumbleweed” A.J. Kirsch to fill out the commentary table, we were on our way with the JUNE TO REMEMBER!

The James Gang were the next performers to make their way to the ring, again unexpected. James, hated by the crowd for his relentless shit talking, was quick to get on the microphone and proclaim the glory of his gang. The 1920′s gangster, along with Stoney Montana and Drugs Bunny, traded insults with the crowd until THEY TOO were interrupted by the upbeat dance tempo and questionable dance moves of Sexy Chino! He and his thus far unnamed sexy dance partner cut the proverbial rug, thoroughly serving the James Gang. The James Gang, not known for parking on any dance floor, quickly responded with Drugs Bunny doing his jittery, coked out version of dancing. The two went back and forth, eventually leading to Drugs Bunny hitting Chino with a sneak clothesline, and the battle changed from dance to grapple. Drugs Bunny retained control for match of the athletic contest, in his own hyper active kind of way. Chino did retaliate though, and introduced the crowd to some aerial offense that was as much breath taking as it was unexpected from the toothpick thin professional wrestler. The numbers of the James Gang proved too much, however, and Sexy Chino found himself victim to the “Coke-slam”.

Drugs Bunny defeated Sexy Chino

The next match was a tag team bout that we had actually announced! Go figure! It went nothing like planned. DARK Sheik and Johnny Cage, who had gained the ire of Scorpion at May 4ths Drinko De Mayo event, were set to take on the Outer realm warrior in a tag match. Scorpion would choose a mystery partner for this epic confrontation. But DARK Sheik, as Johnny Cage would explain to the crowd, was busy with the Trial of Juiced Lee. Johnny Cage would turn to the partner he defeated CAPCOM with at March’s Hoodslam XIX, Tekken’s Eddie Gordo! Scorpion would then silently introduce us to his partner, the returning E. Honda! E. Honda had not been seen in Hoodslam since December’s Street Fighter Tournament when he lost to RYU in the finals, but the fans had not forgotten about him in the 6 months since! These four video game warriors waged in epic battle! In the end, Johnny Cage would leave Eddie Gordo to fight for himself, leaving him prone to a combination Scorpion Spear + Torpedo Headbutt! That’s the finish folks.

E. Honda and Scorpion defeated Eddie Gordo and Johnny Cage

Up next was a special Gauntlet match with the winner getting a shot at the Golden Gig at July’s event. The rules were stolen from Fresno, CA’s Piledriver Pro Wrestling’s Elimination X concept. Two participants would start, and more entrants would be added to the match at random times. Every participant would have to be pinned or submit to be eliminated. The first entrant, one of the most hated men in Hoodslam: James. Without Chino to interrupt him this time he was able to fully berate the Oakland crowd (prompting a hockey style chant of “shut the fuck up, myahh see”). The next entrant, one of the most popular Hoodslammer’s, Johnny Drinko Butabi. After enthralling the crowd with his signature dance moves, he also shared some words with Oakland. They were slurred, and it was here that most of us realized how drunk Drinko had gotten this evening. He informed the crowd that despite Mega Man turning on him last night, he would not be deterred from his goal, the Golden Gig. In his words, Mega Man was just another guy upset about a slut he had fucked (referring to Mega Man’s crush on Cammey), and he didn’t even remember doing it. The match got underway, and mayhem commenced. Entrants included Rediculoso, Stoney Montana, Brittany Wonder, Super Red Rhino 2099, and surprisingly, Anthony Butabi. He stated that as part of the Panther Party, who as a group are the Golden Gig Champion, he was already dominant, and was entered to maintain superiority. Drinko would eliminate him 3 seconds later. Many other eliminations occurred, and in the end James defeated Red Rhino 2099 to win the event.

James won a Gauntlet to earn a match for the Golden Gig on July 6th at the Oakland Metro

After the match, James would again berate the crowd, and eventually turn his attention to Super Red Rhino 2099. He mocked his old leader Villano 420, and spoke of his dismantling of the Villano Crime Family. He said he was able to do this, because he was a boss. Rhino, according to James, would never be a boss. But he would be a good follower, and James extended an invitation to Rhino to join the James Gang. His response was to hit Stoney Montana with his patented Gore tackle! The James Gang would attack him with their greater numbers, and quickly turn the tide. The three attacked him like wrestlers attacking a Reno buffet, and it looked like it might be curtains for the cybernetic warrior. Unexpectedly, this was the cue for Pooh Jack! There was a bear, he had a bandana, and he was wearing the new pooh jack shirt. He throw a trashcan of weapons in the ring, and then hit people with the weapons, and the weapons broke and stuff. And even though people put pooh jack over, he typically potatoes them with keyboards and stuff. What a jerk. But he did heroically save Super Red Rhino 2099 from the Gang’s attack, and the fans threw babies in the air out of excitement! As he threw fuzzy X’s in the air, the crowd threw them back, and Rhino picked his moment. And then he rushed his moment, and gave Pooh Jack the WWE Day of Reckoning for Gamecube gore against the ropes. Doesn’t look good in the game either. Rhino stood tall over the fallen fan favorite of a fuzzy bear, and later when no one was looking the match was signed for July 6th, Red Rhino v. Pooh Jack!

The Stoner brothers would come out next, ready to challenge each other in Three Stages of Stoner. Rik Scott Stoner chose this trismokathon of events to do battle with his brother Scott Rik; he won the right to choose at the last event in an epic 10 man schoolyard rules tag team elimination match. The two have been involved in numerous skirmishes with each other since January, but this would be the first time the brothers would face each other in solo combat, and Rik Scott wanted to make sure there was no confusion to the victor. The first event, an arm wrestling contest. The two, unsurprisingly matched quite evenly, jockeyed for leverage and position, trying to gain the minutest of advantage against their twin adversary. The deciding factor was Scott Rik’s attempt to burn his brother with the blunt he was smoking. Rik Scott was able to counter, though, and drove the burning embers deeply into the flesh of his twin. This gave him the momentary advantage to claim victory, and take the first round of the Three Stages of Stoner, to be concluded later in the evening.

Rik Scott beat Scott Rik Stoner in an Arm Wrestling Match

Afterwards, the dust settled, and an epic battle waged on a different front took the center stage. The TRIAL OF JUICED LEE began it’s second installment. The honorable Judge Dredd presided over the hearings, and She-Hulk (with help from Wonder Woman for no apparent reason), defended the rights of Juiced Lee. DARK Sheik, with his lawyer Gordy Bombstein, would resume the position of prosecution. The prosecutions beef with Juiced? Murders of Vinny Butabi, resulting in the zombie outbreak that originally killed Sheik Khan Abadi (the first incarnation of DARK Sheik), murder of Reverend Helfyre, and the general notion that Juiced Lee is a dangerous person who does not belong around people. The defense’s…defense? That Juiced Lee acted within reason, that Vinny was already dead the second time, and that Helfyre was the one responsible for the zombies. The judge was familiar with their pleas, but now was a time to hear new voices, those of witnesses!

DARK Sheik was quick to introduce Zangief and Blanka from TEAM Capcom. Juiced Lee, who was handcuffed to the ring, watched his bitter enemies recount the first FTF event on 10/10/10. Zangief, speaking for the grief stricken SAGAT who could not attend due to emotional stress, informed the judge of Juiced Lee removing the good eye from Sagat’s head, and crushing it in his palm to the adoration of 100 or so drunk kids at the Victory Warehouse. She-Hulk, being the expert lawyer she is, countered with the witnesses of Kassy Summers and Lucha Magnifico! Both had been involved in altercations with Juiced Lee during April’s 2011′s I know What you Did Last Hoodslam and May 2011′s H2 Countdown to Botchageddon. During those fights, Juiced Lee had opportunities to kill both, but chose to kill neither. This, She Hulk would state, proved the compassion of Juiced Lee, and was evidence that he was not a dangerous killing machine.

DARK Sheik would not wait for any judges word, however, refuting the testimony of Lucha Magnifico. He recalled last month, at the June to Remember, when he told Lucha that he was an embarrassment as a student. He told the judge his testimony should be stricken from the record, as it came from a vindictive place, just to get back at Sheik, and not out of concern for Juiced Lee. But then the idea was brought up that ACTIONS speak louder than words, and whoever’s actions truly were fueled by truth and conviction would surely reign supreme. A tag match was made, and our ring that became a courtroom once more became a ring.

Kassy Summers, She Hulk, and Lucha Magnifico defeated DARK Sheik, Blanka, and Zangief

This match was madness! The power of She Hulk would not be denied. The electric fury of Blanka could not be controlled. The fighting spirits of both Kassy Summers AND Zangief burned holes in the ozone. And the hate between DARK Sheik and Lucha Magnifico was PALPABLE! Truly, the teacher-student scenario has gone beyond any sense of loyalty or brotherhood, as the fought tooth and nail. It seemed that DARK Sheik had Lucha in the claws of defeat, but then it looked like She Hulk had Sheik defeated. But then it looked like Blanka would make the save. but then Blanka seemed to fancy the fellow green fighter, putting She Hulk in an awkward position. But then Zangief got ahold of She Hulk, but then Kassy came back and got Blanka. Then Sheik kicked Kassy in the face and it looked like HE would win again. Then Lucha pinned him. It was crazy.

And, just to break kayfabe and the fourth wall, Shelly Martinez as Wonder Woman may be the greatest thing ever. WORDS DO NO JUSTICE. MEMORY DOES NO JUSTICE. The footage will be amazing, but, much like the sunset, this thing of beauty MUST BE SEEN in person to truly gain total appreciation! If I were dirty, i’d put a masturbation joke here.

Next up, newcomer Joe De Soul took on Mega Man! Some might have recognized him as a referee from earlier Hoodslam’s, but fabe that. Not important. Mega Man, ever since finding out Cammey wouldn’t date him because she was already involved with Drinko, has gained a bit of a mean streak. Of course he’s attacked his former CAPCOM Team mates, and twice now assaulted Johnny Drinko. His treatment of Joe De Soul was not much better. He pounded the poor guy for some time. Joe De Soul is no slouch, but he’s fighting a robot from the future with an arm cannon. The odds just aren’t good. BUT by some twist of fate, Johnny Drinko got involved, and cost Mega Man the match! It was like watching Rudy, but without the hour plus of story and build up beforehand.

Joe De Soul beat Mega Man

Post match, as Drinko now stood over the fallen Mega Man, he looked into the very familiar face from the future and issued a challenge. One on One, mano a mega mano, DRINKO V. MEGA MAN at July’s event! Not just any match, not a retirement match, but a full fledged END OF AN ERA match! What’s that mean? Nobodies really retiring, but SOMEBODY IS GOING ON VACATION.

The next match was for the Golden Gig! The Pink Panther party, since claiming the Gig in April, have played fast and loose with the rules, using their numbers game to keep the championship! Otis the Gimp and Chupacabra and Hornswaggar had seen enough, and made this six man challenge for the gold! Before we could start the fight, Panther had a curve ball for them. The accepted team has been Anthony Butabi, Rasta Mystero, and Super Tiger. TONIGHT, however, Panther would reintroduce us to a man not seen since January in Oakland, CA. A true representative of the under appreciated in Hoodslam, and thus a perfect candidate for the Panther Party (so says the Panther), GRAND MASTER G of No Ma’am! Yes, his father Sal Lundy had said he was ready to go home and sell shoes, but the fire still burned within the rapping son. Now that we knew the teams, all that was left was the fight itself.

And what a fight it was. Truly, no ring can contain this much man muscle. Rasta and Otis soon found themselves fighting throughout the whole arena. Grand Master G would do his best to ward off attacks from Chupacabra and Hornswaggar, but the drunkeness of Anthony Butabi would only work against him. It seemed as if Chupy and Hornswaggar would claim the Golden Gig for their team, but something…strange…went down. As Otis and Rasta returned to the ring, Otis somehow became enamoured with Butternuts, the trusty stuffed steed of Hornswaggar. Hornswaggar was not pleased with the advances of Otis, and threatened to turn El Chupacabra loose on Otis’ favorite inflatable fuck sheep, Dolly. As these ego’s and desires collided, a horse got humped, a sheep got bitten into (AND POPPED), and the Pink Panther Party was able to capitalize and sneak away with a win, and once more take home the Golden Gig!

Rasta Mysterio, Anthony Butabi, and Grand Master G defeated Hornswaggar, El Chupacabra, and Otis the Gimp to retain the Golden Gig

Next was the second of the Three Stages of Stoner; a debate. Scott Rik and Rik Scott Stoner, twin siblings in a bitter feud, came to the ring once more and chose topics for the other to discuss. First, Rik Scott chose for his brother, and the topic was 1994 toyota celicas. Why? Because apparently in 1994 Scott Rik stole Rik Scott’s Celica. Scott Rik would go on to do math equations and fractions about girls that had become women in the back of the Celica, but never once explained how any of this happened when they were twelve. Afterwards, Scott Rik chose Rik Scott’s topic: Business Ethics. This prompted quite a bit of excitement from the crowd, and what might be the first ever “business ethics” chant, not just in wresting, but in the world.

Rik Scott stuttered and stammered, but in the end decided to pull out a bright yellow toy gun and point it at his brother (fans literally jumped out of the way). He said the topic was unfair, and that this debate was over. The third stage of Stoner would begin NOW, and it was an Ironlung Match!

Scott Rik defeated Rik Scott in a debate

The first ever Ironlung Match was underway in HOODSLAM! The rules were simple: entrants would wrestle, when one is able to stun his opponent for long enough he will signal to the official to spark the official blunt. When their opponent regains his wits and can rise to his feet, the official will take the blunt and put it out. Whoever is able to finish the blunt (at the official’s discretion) will be declared the winner.

These two Smokelahoma natives were no strangers to each other, clearly having spent their entire lives training in the ways of combat! Snug shots, stiff strikes, and ground shaking slams echoed through the Oakland Metro. Their was legitimate fear that these two might tear the whole building down on the heads of the faithful viewers. An epic battle, truly those watching could FEEL the twists and turns and PAIN that these two journeyed through to the end. And what an end it was. One to be remembered forever. That I will not detail now. Scott Rik Stoner was the last man to hit the blunt when El Sparko rang the bell. Rik Scott Stoner was clearly disappointed at his loss, but seemed to give a respectful nod to his brother before leaving. This war is over, but what lies next for Hoodslam now that these two start beating up the rest of the roster instead of each other?

This was an amazing event, and we thank the fans for coming to this event, we know that we truly had the faithful with us, and we appreciate you every second every day. Really.

Thanks to AJ Kirsch and OG Kevin Gill for holding it down, The Hoodslam band Molestor Stallone for tearing it up, Ike Emelio Burner for keeping it real, and all the rest of our staff for doing such a great job. The Oakland Metro, as always, is our home and family, and the Hoodslam roster is happy to include Dispayed Labors Sideshow and now Shelly and Danelle Martinez as part of that family too! We all lead such great lives.

Hoodslam XXI
Drinko De Mayo: Rise of the Panther
5/4/2012, Oakland Metro
No one brought their f’n kids

Drinko de Mayo: Rise of the Panther – a show named thusly due to the Panther’s fiendish scheming garnishing him possession of the Golden Gig, and because Johnny Drinko asked about the first part. As is custom, the show started a little after 9:00 with Ike Burner climbing the ladder, and “Urethra Franklin” rocked the audience with the custom Hoodslam theme. The commentary team consisted of Juggalo Championship Wresting’s Senior Official OG Kevin Gill and star of the This is RAW youtube sensation, Tough Enough’s AJ Kirsch. El Sparko was our sole iron man referee for the evening, and with el Official Senor Official in place, the show as ready to go!

Our first match saw a returning Johnny Cage take on the debuting Kay Jutler. Johnny Cage has been fickle with his relationship with the fans, but Kay Jutler’s decidedly negative stance towards Oakland made him the clear favorite. The defender of Earth Realm performed all the hits, including his signature split punch. Kay Jutler, to his credit, fought valiantly, with a fervor that could only be learnt in his native United Kingdom. However, this west coast tour would prove a poor time to reinvade the colonies, and Johnny Cage was able to attain victory.
– Johnny Cage defeated Kay Jutler

Johnny Drinko Butabi would be the next Hoodslammer to hit the stage, and he had many things to say. I don’t remember them well, such is the folly of Hoodslam. The catalyst of events, though, I recall having to do with Anthony Butabi, Johnny’s estranged brother. Anthony, along with Rasta Mysterio and Super Tiger, were able to defeat Guile for the Golden Gig at the last event in a 3 vs 1 match. Johnny, wanting both the Golden Gig and revenge on his brother, called out the Panther Posse, and after an exchange of words, the brothers would once more fight at Hoodslam, this time with the Gig on the line! As usual, no ring can contain the sibling animosity that these two share. And of course, the dreaded Doritos were once more used as a deadly weapon. Johnny Drinko had his brother incapacitated enough to land a killing blow atop the cheesy snacks, but it was not meant to be. Sagat of the CAPCOM Coalition distracted the referee as Zangief devastated Drinko with a debilitating piledriver onto the flaming hot Doritos of doom, allowing Anthony Butabi to once again defeat his brother under questionable circumstances.
– Anthony Butabi successfully defended the Golden Gig by defeating Johnny Drinko Butabi

Post match, Zangief and Sagat continued to beatdown the outnumbered alcoholic, and Sagat informed the Oakland Metro via electronic microphone that this ass whooping was set in stone the moment Cammey said she had interloped with Drinko. This was the original rift that splintered Mega Man from the Coalition. The Blue Bomber himself would make his presence felt, as he interrupted the narrated hate crime (Drinko is a minority, right?) and fought off the evil Thailand and Russian forces. The two Hoodslammers had never met, but the mutual respect was there and both celebrated to the adoration of the wild bunch of folks who bought tickets or snuck in.

After the action, 40 Radio and Hoodslam were happy to present to the crowd the rapping expertise of Little Larry, ACL, and SkreAllah. The enthused crowd enjoyed the few songs from the trio, and 40 Radio was on the hand through the entire event with cameras to document the madness that happens the First Friday of every Month! We thank everyone for coming, and recommend everyone interested to check out the facebooks of 40 Radio, Little Larry, ACL, and SkreAllah to find more information on these talented artists.

What happened next was a true first for Hoodslam. DARK Sheik made his way to the ring, and informed the crowd that they were about to be witness to a great thing: the Trial of Juiced Lee. He informed the intoxicated spectators that Juiced Lee would not be at the show that evening, due to being incarcerated for the charges of murdering Vinny Butabi. Juiced had defeated the zombie in a battle to the death at the last event, and DARK Sheik had him arrested for doing the company the favor. DARK Sheik would go on to introduce the prosecution, his longtime lawyer and Hoodslam ancillary character Gordy Bombstein. He would then go onto to state that Juiced Lee, due to his incarceration and injury, was unable to secure a defense attorney. DARK Sheik would pick a defense attorney for him, former Gotham City DA Harvey Dent. The crowd awed at the mention of his name, and the familiar faces of the comic book villain were quite a site for the Hoodslam faithful. Once the honorary Judge Dredd had taken his place, the trial was underway.

Gordy Bombstein would state that Juiced Lee was specifically being charged with the original murder of Vinny Butabi in April 2010, the ensuing Zombie outbreak that persisted through the year and claimed more lives, the murder of Reverend Helfyre in August 2011, and the re-murder of Zombie Vinny Butabi in April 2012 (Uno from the Lost Hoodslam was not mentioned). Harvey Dent would object, saying that the second murder of Vinny Butabi was impossible, as he was already dead. He would then proclaim the innocence of his client. Then abruptly deny it. Then argue with himself about it before asking the Judge for a brief pause so that he could speak with his counsel. As the confusion ran rampant, a new comer entered through the Hoodslam stage. She Hulk, long educated in law before the blood transfusion that changed her forever, entered the fray and decreed that Harvey Dent was of no condition to represent Juiced Lee. She would challenge both faces to a fight, and the winner would earn the right to defend the silent warrior in trial!

Harvey Dent is cunning, moral, smart, evil, and everything on the other side of that too. But one thing he ain’t, is super humanly strong. Unfortunately for him, his opponent this evening was. She Hulk was able to use her impressive strength to make short work of the dark nights old friend, and make a huge leap in credibility for the defense of Juiced Lee!
– She Hulk defeated Harvey Dent for the right to defend Juiced Lee in Trial

This did not please the Sheik, and after She Hulk had made her exit, he stated that it mattered not who represented Juiced Lee, and when the trial was over he would be gone forever. Mid tirade, he was interrupted by his scheduled opponent, another Midway favorite, SCORPION!

Scorpion and DARK Sheik, first fighting in the main event of the April show, were clearly no strangers to each other. Both also seem to feed off of an undead energy that sustains their corpses. The unholy battle was epic, but short lived. DARK Sheik made liberal use of his kicking capabilities and high flying recklessness, while Scorpion kicked away as well, while keeping the DARK Sheik reeling with combination attacks of Spears and Teleporting punches. When it looked like SCORPION might have been ready to finish the DARK Sheik off, Johnny Cage once again made his way to the ring. He did little, but it was clear that he had the attention of SCORPION. This brief lapse of attention was all DARK Sheik needed to quickly gain a cheap win, and the momentarily distracted SCORPION was left unhurt, but beaten in battle. One would assume that this feud has only just begun…………..!….
– DARK Sheik defeated SCORPION

After all the heaviness of the Trial and dead people fighting, it was time to lighten the mood. Hoodslam had a special presentation for everybody, and a special person to do it. Shelly Martinez, formerly Ariel in WWE, and recognizable wrestler celebrity person from TNA, PWG, Dragongate, and other places where fine wrestling is sold. And in the other corner, the master of the battle royal, in high school he was voted most likely to be thinnest, the dancing machine Sexy Chino! But these two didn’t wanna fight. They wanted a dance off.

How do I write about a dance off? They danced. It was cool. Ike Burner got rubbed up on. Sexy Chino amazed the crowd with his limited but delightful arsenal of disco infused technique. But not all were please. Lucha Magnifico, who hasn’t been seen a lot lately, was scheduled to face Sexy Chino in combat this night, and had grown tired of waiting while his opponent focused on dancing. His entry soon stimulated the violent impulses, and a three way match was birthed before our very eyes. Mucha lucha libre style offense from Magnifico counter acted the power house mayhem that is Sexy Chino, which integrated with the sexy stylistics of Shelly Martinez, making for a damn good wrestling stew. Just as it seemed Lucha had the match won, Sexy Chino was able to surprise him with a rollup pinning maneuver, and earn himself his first Hoodslam victory. The rarity of Chino winning with a roll up is truly the solar eclipse of CA indy work.
– Sexy Chino defeated Lucha Magnifico and Shelly Martinez

Post match, as Lucha pondered his short comings, DARK Sheik made a very unwelcome return to the stage. He recapped that Lucha Magnifico had made the deal to bring Sheik back to life the second time over a year ago, and in that year he had made no attempt to interact with Lucha, his former student. He stated that this was because of incidents like tonight, where Lucha lost to opponents DARK Sheik found lacking. He waited a whole year, and now faced with the man responsible for his resurrection, his only other words for Lucha Magnifico was that he was an embarrassment. DARK Sheik left the angry crowd, and let the cruel words simmer on the metaphorical grill that is Lucha’s soul.

The ring cleared, but as always, it was only momentarily void of chaos. Johnny Drinko and Mega Man would return to the ring, and Drinko had a message: not only did he not care about Cammey, he doesn’t even recount their interaction (as is customary with Drinko). But if CAPCOM wanted to fight over some girl he deemed a slut, he was only willing to oblige, and he had a partner with him too. Zangief and Sagat agreed, and the tag team action was on and poppin’. Mega Man and Drinko made a surprisingly good team, almost as if the two knew each others moves. Sagat and Zangief brought their legendary offense straight from 2D into the third dimension (and beyond). The end saw Mega Man overcome his former allies, and he hit a big boot before he dropped his patented Mega Atomic Legdrop for the win.
– Mega Man and Johnny Drinko Butabi defeated Sagat and Zangief

Once again the duo would be seen celebrating post match to the thrill of drunken fans. As Drinko soaked in their cheers through osmosis, much like his skin has grown to with alcohol particles in the air, Mega Man began to charge his light gun. He began to shake and sputter with great intensity, one might claim to have seen him pop a bolt or two. When Drinko finally turned, Mega Man laid him out with a mega charged shot for the ages. As he stood over his fallen partner, a look of great pain was etched across his robotic face. One must assume that his feelings for Cammey, although not reciprocated, were still strong. And knowing that Drinko succeeded where he had failed, and then neither remembered or appreciated it, was too much for his robotic circuits to handle. Once again, the man from 20XX was in great inner turmoil.

And finally, a main event for the ages…

The Stoner Brothers. Two twins. Very alike, but very different. One has broken his allegiance to the other, putting the Golden Gig above even his own blood. The other, at first unwilling to fight, now has accepted to battle his own image. But before the two could do battle one on one, a stipulation had to be chosen. And before a stipulation could be chosen, one had to be awarded the right to choose the stipulation. So the brothers, both considering themselves to be the better half of their former team, came to a conclusion: the two would enter the ring, and 8 random Hoodslammers would enter as well. The two would then choose teams, schoolyard style, interjectionally. The match would be elimination rules, and whoever’s team could eliminate the others would be declared the winner. To recall and recount the action that happened here would take 100 chimps and 100 type writers. Highlights included Drugz Bunny, doing coke. Chupacabra, acting animalistic. Otis the Gimp, tried to fuck everything. Hornswaggar, brought his friend Butternuts with him and rapped a possibly racist diddy. James, see, completely took over the show at one point and had the crowd cheering “myah, see”, see. Pooh Jack entered and kicked ass. Someone kicked his ass. Stoney Montana got in Brittany Wonder’s face. Brittany Wonder used her female intuition to surprise and pin him. And Super Red Rhino 2099 is from the future. And he misses Villano, who now has left the cyborg who was built to protect him alone and without direction for 6 months. All of this mayhem combined into a Rick Scott Stoner v. Scott Rick Stoner buffet of pain. Towards the end, Scott Rick Stoner, who’s antagonized his brother for the better part of a year, decided to walk away from the battle. After trying to get his brother to fight him for so long, he now chooses to play mind games and avoid confrontation until June’s event. Assuming the overwhelming odds of his remaining team would be enough to defeat the Blunt faced Gremlin Rick Scott, he had himself counted out of the ring. But Rick Scott ain’t no chump, and was able to fight back and score the final pinfall, making him the sole survivor! It also makes him the decider, and in June when Stoner faces Stoner one on one, it is Rick Scott who will pick the type of match!
– Rick Scott Stoner/Super Red Rhino 2099/Brittany Wonder/Drugs Bunny and Otis the Gimp defeated Scott Rick Stoner/James/Stoney Montana/El Chupacabra and Hornswaggar

Hoodslam once again would like to thank the fans, our staff, the Metro, rabies, and John McClain for making our show possible. Without you, nobody would see us, help us, give us a venue, live in raccoons, or protect the world so we can entertain it. You complete us. You and drugs. We hope that you enjoyed yourselves and can make it JUNE 1ST to the Oakland Metro, and please remember to not bring your f’n kids. God bless!

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www.birdswillfall.com

FTF!

April 6^th, 2012

630 3^rd Street, Oakland, CA

The Two year Anniversary

 

I STILL know what you did last HOODSLAM

 

The air was thick with anticipation this eve, as two years of Hoodslam all culminated into one night.  So much was on the line, the repercussions of this event sure to be felt throughout the Hoodslam world.  Ike Emelio Burner was there to emcee the event, and quit a job he did!  Along with Kevin Gill and AJ Kirsch doing commentary, and music by “The Three Splooges”, Hoodslam was in full effect, and the show went a little something like this…

 

As is tradition, our 2^nd anniversary was centered around the Lethal Lottery Battebowl Tournament.  20 beings would enter into a tournament.  Teams of two were randomly drawn, creating five tag team matches.  The five teams that win will be entered into a ten man over the top rope battle royal where only one can be victorious.  (S)He that wins this event will be awarded the 2012 Brock Lesnar Memorial Battlebowl Championship Trophy, and one time prize of having any type of match, with any Hoodslammer, at any Hoodslam event.  With so much on the line, things got hectic FAST.

 

BROCK LESNAR MEMORIAL LETHAL LOTTERY TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT BATTLEBOWL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH 1 –

Scott Rick Stoner and Anthony Butabi defeated Rick Scott Stoner and Johnny Drinko Butabi

 

Scott Rick and Rick Scott had agreed to a match the month before, but neither wanted to relinquish their spot in the tournament.  An agreement was made, and the two would oppose each other with random partners, so as to keep in spirit of the event.  This led to many wild possibilities, but none expected that another pair of dueling brothers would be added to the fray.  The Butabi’s, aka The Knights of the Roxbury, have once again found themselves at odds, and this seemed like the perfect opportunity for some group family counseling.  StonerBunny was alongside her man Rick Scott Stoner, and she was surely a source of motivation for Rick Scott to defeat his brother, especially after the harsh words and physical beating he bestowed upon her at the last event.  After much mayhem, however, nothing was settled.  When Scott Rick found an opportune time, he took advantage of his twinship, and confused the referee into thinking he was his brother, allowing Anthony Butabi to pin him and qualify both insidious siblings into the Battle Royal later in the show.

 

BROCK LESNAR MEMORIAL LETHAL LOTTERY TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT BATTLEBOWL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH 2 –

Otis the Gimp and Sinn Bohdi defeated Sexy Chino and Hornswaggar

 

This match was a treat to the Oakland audience, for oh so many reasons.  Otis the Gimp is always a huge favorite, one of the true Hoodslam Icons.  His partner, Sinn Bohdi, has been referred to as the Warlord of the Weird, and is known the world over from his stint in WWE, as well as from the ever popular Freak Show Wrestling.  Sexy Chino, despite being incredibly frail, has gained a following himself, and the Oakland crowd for some reason or another enjoys seeing him dance the night away.  And of course, his partner Hornswaggar never disappoints the audience, laying into both of his opponents with the mad fire rap lyrics.  And double of course, Hornswaggar always brings with him Butternuts, the stuffed pony and idols to millions.  All five personalities, even the inanimate horse, were part of the fierce action.  Devastating maneuvers and intense physicality dominated this athletic spectacle, but the end came not through skill, but friendship and betrayal.  Otis the Gimp found himself alone with Butternuts in a rather opportune position.  It seemed as if the sexual deviant were to have his way with the pure and noble steed, but Hornswaggar couldn’t bear to witness.  He instead attacked his own partner Sexy Chino, and threw him in harms way as a trade, allowing him to save and escape with his horsey comrade.  Despite great heart, it didn’t take long for a lone Chino to find himself the victim of horrendous crotch pains and a broken cinder block.  Sinn Bohdi and Otis the Gimp were victorious, and advanced to the Battle Royal.  Feeling guilt and remorse, Hornswaggar returned to the ring to help Chino back to his feet, and cheered along with the crowd as Chino attempted to dance his problems away.

 

ULTIMATE DEATHMATCH

Juiced Lee v. Zombie Gorilla Vinny Butabi

 

This match was not a part of the tournament, but that made it no less important.  In fact, the history of this feud goes back two years to the first Hoodslam in 2010, “Victory:  Hoodslam”.  It was there that Juiced Lee first removed the heart of the adopted Butabi brother, leaving his lifeless corpse the perfect plaything for Reverend Helfyre to reanimate.  Since then, Juiced Lee ripped the heart out of Helfyre as well, effectively ending any reanimation that could occur in Hoodslam.  The two never reconciled, but took separate paths, no longer finding themselves in the struggle that encompassed so much of the fire 16 months of Hoodslam.  But destiny demanded that their paths one final time.  Well, maybe not destiny, but Hoodslam…

 

Zombie Vinny had gotten out of control.  Before he was a heartless beast that fed on the flesh of the living, and we were ok with that.  But ever since Doc Atrocity got a hold of him, and it was revealed that he was the father of Mathea II’s child, things have gone awry.  The Zombie attempted to be a good father to his child, perhaps even a role model, and this resulted in him being infected with an alien disease.  To save him, Doc Atrocity had his brain transplanted into the body of a gorilla.  The gorilla hasn’t been seen since.  But the deranged doctor began to drag around a rotting corpse with the brain of a gorilla around with him, trying to please the angered Mathea II, who now found her family to be fatherless.  This led to Doc Atrocity attempting many different means to  “fix” Vinny, including taking blood from unwilling Hoodslam crew.  This would be the last straw, and a plan was formed.  The first, proposed by the DARK Sheik, was to have Vinny murdered.  The second, was to have an intervention with Doc Atrocity, and have him put down the undead wrestler himself.  When Doc Atrocity was unwilling, and the DARK Sheik’s attempts unsuccessful, a professional was brought in.  The man that killed Vinny the first time would have to finish what he started two years later.  And either JUICED Lee finished the job, or he didn’t come back from the ring.  Such were the makings of the first Hoodslam Ultimate Deathmatch.

 

JUICED Lee came at him as everyone expected: full force and with reckless abandon.  He danced upon the skies and flipped effortlessly through the heavens, as he has so many times before.  Zombie Gorilla Vinny Butabi knew he was in a fight, and came back with crushing gorilla strength blows and violent mayhem.  The end came when a table was once more attempted to be set on fire at Hoodslam, Doc Atrocity and Nurse Uncle Jesse setting the flame while Vinny prepared Juiced to go crashing through the flames.  But before their plan could come to fruition, JUICED Lee fought back, and was able to brainbuster the dead through a somewhat burning table, and ended the existence of Zombie Vinny in Hoodslam forever.

 

After the match, a distraught Mathea II and Doc Atrocity carried the limp being that was Vinny from the ring, leaving Juiced Lee only briefly alone with his thoughts.  DARK Sheik came with microphone and policeman, saying that this was no accident, nor fate, but his own plan.  He wanted JUICED Lee out of the Tournament, and was the one who recommended JUICED Lee finish off Vinny.  But it went deeper, as he now had an officer in tow, ready to arrest JUICED Lee for the murder of Vincent Butabi.  His choices were simple, to refuse and find himself constantly on the run, or to face his day in court, hope to be found innocent, and maybe once more perform at Hoodslam.  A reluctant JUICED Lee found himself another victim of the system, and was cuffed and escorted from the building.

 

BROCK LESNAR MEMORIAL LETHAL LOTTERY TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT BATTLEBOWL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH 3 –

James and “Wondergirl” Ms Bratt defeated Stoney Montana and Jesus Kruz

 

This match not only saw the return of Ms Bratt to Hoodslam, but also the debut of Nor Cal Wrestling Legend JESUS KRUZ!  It also marked the first appearance of members of the James Gang being on opposing teams.  James and Stoney Montana, regular partners, found themselves in a strange situation, and opted to not fight for much of the match.  But after tussles with their own partners, they found themselves both tagged in and unable to avoid confrontation.  James ordered Stoney Montana to lay down and be pinned, but Stoney refused, shoving the crime boss on his ass, much to the delight of the crowd.  James begged off, offering his hand in friendship.  After great contemplation, Stoney shook his hand, then immediately submitted to the crushing gesture, fooling his partner and effectively fucking the fans.

 

FIGHTING RIGHTS VS. STRIPES

Pooh Jack v. Pink Panther

If Pooh Jack wins he regains Official Senior Official status in Hoodslam.  If Pink Panther wins, Pooh Jack must leave Hoodslam forever.

 

Another non tournament match, but once more of the utmost importance.  Winnie the Pooh was once the Official Senior Official in Hoodslam – the bottom line on all things official.  A referee status to be admired and appreciated from great distances.  But when Pink Panther came to Hoodslam, he had aims to be the top dog, and change the chaos and lawlessness that had run rampant throughout Oakland.  It didn’t take long for him to snake his way into the position, and his first official act was to fire Winnie the Pooh from all referee duties.

 

The bear had lived by the law his whole life, but now found himself lawless.  Such was the element that caused the transformation of Winnie the Pooh into Pooh Jack.  Now a vigilante of the ring, he is never seen without his “hunny pot” full of weapons.  For over a year, he fought wrong doers as he saw fit, a judge, jury, and executioner set to balance the scales where the Panther had made them uneven.  Pink Panther was well known to show favoritism to those he considered “under appreciated” Hoodslammers, and had even joined Super Tiger and Anthony Butabi as a team in spirit of rebellion against the status quo.  But when the duo lost a match due the interference of Pooh Jack, Panther made the ultimate challenge:  his stripes vs. Pooh Jack’s rights – not just to party, but to fight.

 

When the match began, there was little question as to the victor.   Pooh Jack and his hunnypot tore right through the Pink protagonist, and within minutes Pooh Jack had won the match AND the right to be Official Senior Official once more!  But things had changed in the young bears life, and he knew he could never go back.  Being Pooh Jack was his destiny, and in a show of respect, he awarded the title of Official Senor Official to El Sparko.  El Sparko rejoiced, and the referee who’d called it down the middle with masked enthusiasm now saw himself in the top spot in the business!  And the Panther, no longer in charge of laying down the law, has found himself in a very disadvantageous position.

 

INTERMISSION – GIG –

Sinn Bohdi, we told ya he was weird.  Not only did he blow himself up for his entrance, he came back, and he gave the people more.  Breaking cinder blocks on his body with bowling balls (with some assistance from THE Brian Kendrick), cutting fruit in half with swords while it laid on the flesh of fans, and generally causing a frenzy, the madman was a freakshow highlight reel come to life.  At the end of this thrilling performance, Sinn Bohdi let the fans know that HE would be winning the Battebowl Championship Tournament, and there’s nothing anyone could do about it!

 

BROCK LESNAR MEMORIAL LETHAL LOTTERY TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT BATTLEBOWL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH 4 –

Super Tiger and Manimal defeated Mega Man and Sagat

 

Mega Man and Sagat would normally be at a great advantage, as the two have fought side by side in the 2^nd CAPCOM Wars for the last 6 months.  But lately, the team has seemed to fall apart.  First, Sagat and Blanka blamed him for a loss to Johnny Cage and Eddie Gordo at the March event.  Then, Mega Man revealed he cared not for CAPCOM’s plans, but joined the team as a ploy to get closer to Cammey, who he’d grown fond of over the last year at Hoodslam.  But when it was revealed that Cammey had already been dating someone, and that it was a Hoodslammer, all hell broke loose in the Capcom camp.  Mega Man and Sagat were arguing before even starting the match, the two finally turning their attention to Cammey, in demand that she reveal the Hoodslammer in question.  After much consternation, she finally blurted out that it was Johnny Drinko Butabi.  Great displeasure washed over Team CAPCOM, but there was no time to lament.  Manimal, 300 pounds of Texas fury, was making his Hoodslam debut and would not be denied his time to shine.  Super Tiger, although easily distracted by balls of yarn and a belly rub, also fought with great vigor, as he no longer wished to be seen as a second tier performer.  His alliance with Pink Panther may have proven helpful, or perhaps the tear in Team CAPCOM finally became a rip; regardless of reason, Manimal and Super Tiger were victorious, and moved on to the finals of the Brock Lesnar memorial.

 

BROCK LESNAR MEMORIAL LETHAL LOTTERY TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT BATTLEBOWL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH 5 –

Brian Kendrick and Drugs Bunny defeated El Chupacabra and Blanka

 

Surely the highlight for many in attendance this evening was seeing Brian Kendrick in a Hoodslam ring.  A former WORLD Champion, world famous performer, and a classy human being, THE Brian Kendrick did not disappoint!  His teaming with Drugs Bunny brought much joy to the crowd, as did El Chupacabra teaming with Blanka!  Despite his allegiance to Team CAPCOM, Blanka was able to work well with Chupy.  Brian Kendrick and Drugs Bunny also seemed cohesive, although planning anything with Drugs Bunny can prove beyond difficult if you’re not James.  Despite being bitten, battered, electric shocked, and Oak-town ROCKED by the feral duo, Brian Kendrick was able to hit the Sliced Bread Number TWOOOOO on El Chupacabra, and advanced himself and James Gang member Drugs Bunny into the Battle Royal Tophy match, which happened IMMEDIATELY after the pinfall….

 

BROCK LESNAR MEMORIAL LETHAL LOTTERY TAG TEAM TOURNAMENT BATTLEBOWL CHAMPIONSHIP BATTLE ROYAL MATCH –

Scott Rick Stoner, Anthony Butabi, Otis the Gimp, Sinn Bohdi, James, Ms Bratt, Manimal, Super Tiger, Brian Kendrick, and Drugs Bunny

 

This was the ten man battle royal final of the tournament!  Every man or woman or beast for themselves, being thrown over the top rope and touching the floor is the only means of elimination!  The shit went down in the hood, a whole lot of things happened, and in the end we were left with three:  James, Super Tiger, and Brian Kendrick.  Destiny must have once again played a factor at the two year anniversary, because Super Tiger was somehow able to eliminate both Brian Kendrick and James as they battled each other, and won the Tournament AND the Brock Lesnar Memorial Trophy.  With it, he was now the holder of the right to fight any hoodslammer, any time he wanted, in any kind of match he wanted.

 

GOLDEN GIG CHAMPIONSHIP LETHAL LOTTERY BONUS MATCH

The Man with the Golden Gig Guile defeated Ryu, DARK Sheik, and Scorpion

This was our main event, and it had funky rules just to confuse everyone.  Guile, the defending Golden Gig Champion and true leader in this 2^nd CAPCOM War, was set to defend against Ryu.  But two other competitors, chosen randomly from the list of Lethal Lottery Tournament entrants were selected to take part.  Two would start, and another would enter every two minutes.  All but the winner would be eliminated by pinfall or submission, and he who stood last would be the Man with the Golden Gig.

 

Guile began the match, and his first opponent would be a surprise to him and the crowd.  DARK Sheik made his way to the ring, and two exchanged offense until Guile was able to land a hellacious SONIC BOOM.  This gave time for the next entrant, RYU, to make his way to the ring.  He and Guile had fought the last two months, and still had plenty left to dish out.  He was able to best the army man from USA, and stood tall as the last mystery entrant entered, SCORPION.  New to Hoodslam, and a sure crowd pleaser, SCORPION and Ryu faced off, and the two warriors took good view of the opponent that they had heard so much about.  DARK Sheik would ruin the moment, though, and attack RYU from behind, then charged Scorpion.  The spear and uppercut did not take long to see, and soon all hell broke loose.  Bodies were flying everywhere, alliances were made and broken, and in the very very end, the last pinfall was awarded to Guile defeating Ryu.

 

Ryu, though beaten, was never a fool.  In a show of respect, he shook the hand of Guile, and told him that he was a great warrior.  Ryu would return home to practice and uppercut waterfalls, and someday would eagerly return to face the great competition in Hoodslam.  With this act, the 2^nd CAPCOM Wars came to an end, and Guile was left standing as the man with the Golden Gig.

 

BUT WAIT, there’s more….Rasta Mysterio, missing from action in recent months, rushed the ring and attacked Guile in his moment of celebration.  Soon Super Tiger and Anthony Butabi, being led by the Pink Panther, made their way to the ring and things became clear.  Pink Panther stated that Rasta had also felt overlooked, and all of that was going to change.  Super Tiger would use his prize right then, and challenge Guile to the match he wanted, a 3 on 1 Golden Gig Championship match.  Guile, though weary from battle, had no choice but to accept, and started by kicking the smirk off of Pink Panthers face.  He would kick all three opponents as well, and briefly seemed to be on his way to victory.  But the sheer numbers and weight finally became to much, and after a multitude of tandem offense, all 800+ pounds of Anthony Butabi, Super Tiger, and Rasta Mysterio pinned the American hero to the mat, and declared themselves ALL the Champions of the Golden Gig.  Panther would recover, and despite all the pain and grief of the evening, the self proclaimed “under appreciated” now found themselves at the top of the HOODSLAM mountain.

 

Hoodslam would like to thank our ever growing audience and the 300+ fans who attended that evening.  You’re a loud, crazy, creative group of wonderfuls, and without you, we’d be empty inside.  You complete me.  Two years down, and we’re just getting started…

 

www.birdswillfall.com  , @hoodslam on twitter, hoodslam youtube page, hoodslam on fb

January 6th, Oakland Metro

The show began with its usual glory and wonder. The band, Taint Thinner, played an inspiring rendition of the main theme to the film Terminator 2, as Ike Burner made his entrance whilst climbing the ladder in an awkward yet stoic fashion. He introduced us to our commentary team, the JuggalOG Kevin Gill and should be Tough Enough Winner AJ Kirsch, and we got things going!

Johnny Cage was the first to make an entrance this Hoodslam, and he was a bit peeved. After sharing some disparaging words with the audience, the quickly turned from emoting feelings of adoration to vulgar disdain. However, he was respectably unfettered until the familiar drum of Bill Coldbeer’s music filled the Opera house like so much Marijuana smoke. The chants of Coldbeer soon followed, and then the man himself appeared to a gladiators welcome. The two warriors locked horns, and after hitting a scrotum shattering split punch, Johnny Cage seemed to have victory at hand! He tested his might, but soon found that Coldbeer was mighty mighty himself, and in the end Cage was defeated with the Spear and Jackhammer!

COLDBEER defeated JOHNNY CAGE

The James Gang then made their way to the ring, as Drugs Bunny was set to take on Lucha Magnifico! Fellow members Stoney Montana and James watched from ringside as Lucha and Drugs made quick work of zig zagging and flip’n flying across the ring. Lucha Magnifico’s lucha libre expertise is usually enough to blow up the swiftest of athletes, but the cocaine and amphetamine infused adrenal glands of Drugs Bunny (coupled with stereotypically fast bunny speed) allowed the James Gang member to keep up with his mexican adversary! Drugs continued to impress in his first solo Hoodslam match, but Lucha would rally back and seem to have victory in his grasp, but Stoney Montana seized the opportunity to cheat. When the time was right, he threw a handful of cocaine into the masked face of Lucha Magnifico, temporarily leaving him disoriented and feeling awesome. Drugs was able to capitalize, and defeated the luchador with his signature Cokeslam.

DRUGS BUNNY defeated LUCHA MAGNIFICO

James then took this time to call out Villano 420 to the ring. See, he was mad, see, ’cause Villano 420 attacked James last event and cut the sacred dreads from the old school gangsters head. The James Gang has made it their goal to crush Villano 420 since then, but have pretty much hated everyone in a mask. The music of the Villano Crime Family answered his call, but only Super Red Rhino 2099, the right hand man and best friend of Villano 420 emerged. He brought news, which had to be interpeted by the OG Kevin Gill and AJ Kirsch (tough enough). The news was this: Villano 420 could not fight this fight, for the Don Villano, founder of the Villano Crime Family, had recalled him to Mexico. No other information is available at this time, but it was visible that Super Red Rhino 2099 was just as surprised and clearly depressed about the turn of events. As he left, James continued to bad mouth Villano 420, and the Crime Family. The wild cybernetic Super Red Rhino 2099 eventually heard enough, and charged back into the ring to attack all three. He put up a valiant effort, and seemed to have Stoney Montana and Drugs Bunny nullified, but it was at that moment that James struck, and the effects were effective.

JAMES, STONEY MONTANA, & DRUGS BUNNY defeated SUPER RED RHINO 2099

The next match was a battle of respect. The Street Fighters had come back to Hoodslam, and had won the December Street Fighter Tournament in a very strong showing. Now they wanted to rub it in, and try and add insult to the defeat. RYU, BLANKA, CAMMEY, ZANGIEF, & MEGA MAN have formed this new CAPCOM coallition, and they began with some rough words. First, RYU verbally attacked his opponent JOHNNY DRINKO BUTABI, who he would challenge in the main event for the GOLDEN GIG (a right he earned by winning the Street Fighter Tournament). As Mega Man noddingly approved his every word, the music of the HOODSLAMMERS hit, and the match was soon underway! Otis the Gimp, Juiced Lee, and wise and all knowing Banana fought Zangief, Blanka, and Mega Man in about an exciting a match as one could imagine! The fans, despite no-doubt being sore from all the fucking, were exceptionally audible, and this three on three elimination match did not leave them wanting! The CAPCOM rules proved to be no learning curve for the aerially amazing Juiced Lee, the sexually deviant Otis the Gimp, nor the soft in body but hard in spirit Banana, and team Hoodslam brought home the “W”! (win, for those of you who don’t read the sports page)

JUICED LEE, OTIS THE GIMP, BANANA defeated ZANGIEF, BLANKA, & MEGA MAN

Following the excitement that everyone just shared, you’d think everyone would be elated for the HOODSLAM win! But there were at least FOUR people upset, the first to vocally express it was Anthony Butabi! Despite being a fan favorite, and part of the legendary Butabi wrestling family, he had seen better days. He wasn’t upset that Hoodslam won, he was upset that he wasn’t involved. Much like the show before, when he wasn’t involved in the Street Fighter Tournament. Rasta Mysterio made his way to the ring, and expressed similar remorse. The two have also been depressed when they both learned that neither of them were the father of the baby they had both fought vicious battles for. Without family or work, both were left empty. This is when Sal Lundy and Grand Master G, the feminist hating members of the group No Ma’am, made their entrance. They couldn’t believe what they were hearing, two men crying about a woman, about a baby, blah blah blah they said! Words were exchanged, their was a raising of the ire, and soon the match was on.

NO MA’AM defeated ANTHONY BUTABI & RASTA MYSTERIO

The match was competitive, but the team of Rasta and Anthony were no match for No Ma’am, who truly worked as family. After being defeated, No Ma’am sent a message out to Hoodslam of their own! They also were upset about being left out of the big picture, being skipped over, being looked over, and they sent a challenge to any Hoodslammer in the back who wanted to try and take their spot! The challenge was soon answered.

COLDBEER defeated NO MA’AM

The chants were only louder this time, the entrance more epic. No Ma’am, perhaps exhausted from just competing, never could get on the same page, and Coldbeer was able to take a quick win and extend his undefeated streak. After the match, Grand Master G swore revenge, said that No Ma’am would only come back meaner and stronger. But when he looked to Sal Lundy for further plans, Sal had nothing to say. Finally, after Grand Master G badgered him enough, he said simply, softly, and a bit sadly, that he would go home, and go sell some shoes. He left the ring, grabbed his things, and left. Thus far, no word has been heard of either members of No Ma’am.

The next match came out of the gate and didn’t stop till the three count. DARK Sheik took on James of the James Gang. James was looking to avenge his only loss in Hoodslam, a loss he blames primarily on Villano 420′s interference. But in an attempt to savor the name of his gang, he challenged the Sheik one on one. Stoney Montana and Drugs Bunny were of course close by, and when the opportunity arose the two would attack viciously. The DARK Sheik, now twice dead, fought back as one would expect from that type (you know…foreigners). The two were unleashing some serious violence in the ring, but the decider was the crazy ass piledriver that James was able to hit DARK Sheik with. He was able to pick up a convincing win, and avenge his only loss in the Hoodslam records.

JAMES defeated DARK SHEIK

Next up, Francine DEAD! One of our favorite performers, and one we ask to come back because its what the people want! I could go on and on about the sexy curves, the dangerous fire, the hypnotizing movements…but if you’re not there, you just don’t know. And you’ll die sad. So sad. Thanks to her, check out Francine DEAD on facebook and see if maybe you can make your life mean something again.

After that bunch of awesome, a familiar cast came to the ring. Doc Atrocity, Zombie Gorilla Vinny Butabi, Mathea II, their baby, and a nurse filled the landscape and addressed the crowd. Mathea II was upset with the turn of events that have led to her zombie two headed baby being somewhat fatherless. Zombie Vinny, who fathered the baby of Mathea II while she was also banging Rasta Mysterio and the living members of his adopted family Anthony and Johnny Drinko Butabi, has had some rough luck lately. We all know about how after becoming the adopted brother of the Butabi’s he had his heart ripped out by Juiced Lee and then was turned into a zombie by Reverend Helfyre. But after fathering a child, he was injected with some green stuff Doc Atrocity came up with that made him tame enough to be the Doc’s tag partner, which led to a battle with intergalactic aliens Lobstron the Decimator and Gworlok the Obliterator last November. After defeating them, they were crowned the new intergalactic space tag team champions of the galaxy or something. But their belts were breathing and making noises, so they relinquished them. In the process, Zombie Vinny accidentally hatched one of the eggs on the title, which hatched a alien baby something that latched onto his face, then the scurried off somewhere into the Metro Operahouse. Zombie Vinny, now infected with an alien virus threatening to destroy his body, had his brain switched with that of a gorilla. The gorilla body with a zombie-alien diseased brain is…somewhere, i guess…but the decaying carcass of Zombie Vinny Butabi, now with an alien free gorilla brain, is now what Doc Atrocity has been dragging around, and is what’s left to raise the child of Mathea II. So that’s why she’s angry at Doc. The zombie gorilla vinny thing was angry at Doc. Doc could not please either, and as Mathea II stormed off with the baby, Zombie Vinny Gorillafuck must have felt some paternal remnants, for his anger at his inability to be a father turned into hate for Doc Atrocity, and the two did battle.

And it was quite a battle. Although the two had teamed for the past four months, it was apparent that their friendship was tenuous at best! The two fought tooth and nail across the entire metro, including a special barely seen brawl in the bathroom! In the end, it appeared that Doc Atrocity had the battle won, but as is tradition in Hoodslam, there was a twist! While attempting to light a table on fire in the ring, Doc Atrocity took his eyes off his opponent, and Vinny was able to surprise him with a chokeslam through a somewhat fiery table, and surprisingly defeat the twisted Doctor!

GORILLA ZOMBIE VINNY BUTABI defeated DOC ATROCITY

Once the carnage had been cleared, the Stoner Bros made their way to the ring, reunited. They explained to the crowd that they had been having issues as a team, but they attributed the problems to the poor leadership of Villano 420. Now they they had left the Villano Crime Family, they were ready to move forward and get back to doing what they do best: smoking blunts and kicking ass. They were interrupted by the lyrical leprachaun from the hoodslam HORNSWAGGER, and through the magic of poetry and prose, he rapped to them that he would be taking them on tonight in a tag match! And that his partner was no stranger to the Stoner Brothers, as they were the ones to lock him in a crate back in November’s Thanksgigging Beatings: The Man with the Golden Gig event! Hornswagger had found this confused and angered beast, and upon releasing him the two agreed to take on the twin concussion machines. The band started the song, Courtney Crimson pulled the leash, and El Chupacabra made his return to Hoodslam!

And what a return it was! These four had one of the most physically breath taking matches in the history of ever, including a 12 foot moonsault off the balcony of the Metro! After taking it to the Stoners, the twins eventually got the upperhand, as they always do, with their almost telepathic communication abilities! When they felt the time was right, they went for the most devestating maneuver in hoodslam, the RIZZ BOMB, but upon hitting it on El Chupacabra, Hornswagger was able to capitalize, and snuck a win away for his team!

EL CHUPACABRA & HORNSWAGGER defeated THE STONER BROTHERS

After the match, Scott Rick Stoner (the Bloodslam Bloodking) was verbally abusive to his brother, Rick Scott. He wondered out loud if maybe it WASN’T Villano 420 fucking up, but maybe his own brother. Since October, and the inception of the Golden Gig, Scott Rick has made it a personal quest to win the prize and prove his superiority over the rest of the roster. His frustration to achieve his goal has grown in the passing months, and it truly erupted in front of us, as for the first time he challenged his own brother to a match. The crowd was in a frenzy to see these two do battle, but Rick Scott would have none of it. In the end, a frustrated Scott Rick was left in the ring with only his anger.

Our next bout was the MAIN EVENNNNNTTTT OF THE EVVVVEEENING. RYU, having earned the right to challenge for the Golden Gig by becoming the Street Fighter Tournament, would take on Johnny Drinko Butabi, the champion of Hoodslam. Drinko has never actually beaten an opponent by pinfall or submission, and his only wins at Hoodslam come from battle royal style matches or by referee’s decision. However, he mustered the full multitude of his savvy, and proved why he wears the headband of intelligence. These two fought across the building as well, and even the Oakland Metro could not hold the fury of this bout! The two battled back to the ring, and referee El Sparko, the victim of accidental contact, was left incapacitated. Zangief took this time to interfere behind the referee’s back, despite that their are no real rules in Hoodslam. He delivered a dome crushing piledriver to Drinko, and all hope was lost, but then Anthony Butabi emerged from the locker room and crowd gave him a lionus roar of approval! He laid waste to Zangief, and began to help his brother back to his feet, but Cammey ran into the ring and punched him in the dick. The three street fighters began to attack Drinko once more, but then POOH JACK, with his honeypot full of weapons, fucked shit up. He and Zangief, who hates bears, brawled to the backstage area, and once more we were left with RYU and Drinko, face to face. The two charged, exchanged a flurry of offense, and Drinko got the advantage, holding RYU down for the pin! But then Pink Panther, the Official Senior Official, did that thing he did, and RYU became the Golden Gig Champion of Hoodslam. I’d write what he did, but you probably should have just bought a ticket.

Hoodslam, sad that CAPCOM emerged victorious and is now in possession of the Golden Gig, is still optimistic for the future. The next show is February 3rd, the first friday of the month, and Hoodslam will continue to be the first friday of every month until never. We would like to thank all the performers, the fans, the Oakland Metro, Francine Dead, Displayed Labors Sideshow, Devil Mountain Wrestling in Martinez, SlammedFan (which is on facebook/twitter/etc!), and everyone else who made this great event possible.

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donotbringyourfnkids !